Friday, 18 July 2014

Why Stay Friends With Your Ex?

So I read this interesting Interview with Zoe Saldana in Marie Claire Magazine. I've admired her since her early days in the movie "Center Stage" playing a dedicated BALLERINA and how she has grown into her own woman. And reading a portion of it and her stance about, having no interest in staying friends with her exes....sort of got my attention and even had me PONDER on her words....

"I have been in relationships where a man has disrespected me, and I don't need to be friends with that man anymore. I don't want to be the one going, 'I'm cool, because I'm friends with all my exes.' There's a reason why you're called an ex. I crossed you off my list. Moving on. You cross a line, you need to know that you're going to walk this earth knowing that there's an individual who has no respect for you."

And the truth is, her theory makes a bit of sense to me, What's the point in still being friends with an ex that disrespected you and made you unhappy the entire time when the relationship was still "on"? Believe me, there's no shame in having loved and lost and for the most part of all my relationships that ended. I have remained a woman with a positive disposition who looks at her past relationships as a collection of quality memories....and I'm constantly learning how to be great at moving on. 

I have always stayed friends with all of my exes except one (and that's not because I'm opposed to being friends with him....we simply don't COMMUNICATE....(I'm sad that we don't but I'm grateful somewhat). I have always THOUGHT that staying friends with my exes made me seem stronger, wiser, forgiving and mature....Even that I had moved on and I'm in a HAPPY place. But if you think about it deeply, is that truly the case?

Some will say it's okay to stay friends as long as the relationship ended AMICABLY. But seriously, how many times is a break up mutual or amicable? There's always a party who wants out and another who's still WILLING to try. There's always one who loves more and hurts more....even if they pretend to accept things are over, just to save face and keep their DIGNITY. So how do you stay friends with someone, who didn't treat you good, hurt you or had no RESPECT for you or regards for your feelings?

We constantly use the EXCUSE of not knowing tomorrow and just being good people....while trapping ourselves in a friendship with people who didn't treat us right when they seemingly loved us, yet we expect them to treat us 'better' as just friends?.....Hahahah....My principle has always been that "You should be friends with the one you love.....And friendship should be simply based on pure LOVE...." if I use myself as an example. So many times, when I'm lonely I have fantasised about being back in a relationship with an ex, because I stayed friends with him and we were both available. Why? That fantasy is very convenient for me and oh....the hilarious Law of Okafor may apply...."Once chopped, always chopped.." why not let someone who already has the MAP to my orgasms. (Hahahah) and whilst it's normal to have leftover feelings for someone I never got over....staying in contact with him did nothing but put me in a place of more hurt, loss and damning confusion.

On the outside the friendship is seemingly beautiful. On the inside, someone is still getting hurt.....because if you put a microscope, the friendship is still one sided and the one who cares more will always OVER-COMPENSATE and the one who cares less, will never really care and honestly doesn't give a hoot when it comes right down to it. We hand over the power to them that we somehow can not exist without them in our lives, even if it means hanging on to whatever shred of themselves they can offer us.....THE FRIENDSHIP...Whilst they go along with the farce and enjoy the benefits of a loving heart, and forgiving soul, even if all they have been is an UNREPENTANT jerk or a bitch.

And what about those we try to build new SPARKS with, the ones who should stand a chance to show us we are still WORTHY of love, how will they cope and help us pick up the pieces of our lives, when they have to pick up SIGNALS of left over sparks from our so called friendships of relationships-gone-sour and we act surprised when they become INSECURE, not because they doubt us.....but the fact that they can sense what could go wrong, if you had the opportunity to re-ignite your feelings and re-open reconciliation with the EX.

I never understood why my ex-husband had problems with me being friends with my exes until now, even though I never had a problem with him being friends with his own or even me being somewhat friendly or civil  with them. I agree that not everyone is emotionally strong or mature, and I also NOW believe that one's self RESPECT should even be more important and people should only get what they DESERVE and have earned. If they treated you badly, by all means...forgive them and oh....Yes! FORGET them too. Hahahah.

Move on without them, because they don't deserve to stay in your life and you don't need to put up with PRETENDING it's cool, just to be a good person. There are millions of amazing people you can share your generosity, love and good-will with.  And It had to take a woman like me to open up my mind to see the REALITY for what it is. 

Because in truth, you're not going to get a STAR on the walk of fame or an Oscar for being the best EX turned friend....neither are the chances of your ex having a change of heart sprouted by the spurs of friendship. Friendship has a way of making people COMPLACENT. If a relationship didn't make them sit up and care, a friendship will have no effect. Unless you both have truly moved on to a happy committed relationship with someone else. Its bad idea to stay friends with your ex. And that's the damning TRUTH from a guilty SERIAL 'Ex' lover. Hehehe.

Have A Fantastic Friday Lovelies! Kisses!

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