Sometimes I would wait to see which one of us said hello first, and If I was moved to do so first, I would wait to see if the ATTRACTION was still there, or if either of us have moved on to someone new. And anxiously hope not to be REJECTED. I knew what I was doing was wrong. Pinning and hoping someday he will BUMP his big head on the wall and realise I was the right woman, the only woman for him....Yea Right! What movie was I dreaming of?....Hehehe....Until then, I have to manage this destructive ADDICTION. Logically, I knew that this man will never give me what I needed from him, still the tendrils of the love I feel for him is wrapped like a PRETZEL around my heart so I couldn't let go....even if I wanted to.
So many times, I would try one way or another to get him out of my life. Date a NEW man for a few days, maybe even weeks, make up a new one in my head, perhaps flirt up a WILD storm....anything to let him know that I wasn't willing to be AVAILABLE anymore.... before I realise once again that he was the only one I truly wanted. Even though the most shocking ease with which he let's go, was always the indication I needed to remind myself that this LOVE really wasn't balanced. I was this piece of amazing ASS like the rest, and the meaningless convenient SEX on his part was an ardent distinction between passion and love but an honest REFLECTION of where he wanted to be with me.....which was a far cry from the images, my overtly creative mind painted of us both.
Once again, like everywhere we go, we are constantly stuck with questions and rumours of us and I will sometimes PEER at him from the corners of my eyes, hoping he'll be a man and own up to his feelings....maybe even shock everyone including myself and say the damnest thing... "Yes, we are dating....And I love her." Choi!! Another one of those cheesy romantic moments that will never happen....But I'm a woman and I lie, if I say I do not yearn to hear a man proudly and boldly say that for the whole world to hear. Oh well, I know he never would cos he doesn't have that sort of back bone. And as much as I understand he loves his privacy, there's a difference between being private and an outright denial.
So after noting that and grudgingly denying myself of some play time with his WILLY and discarding our usual tussle under the sheets.... We settled for an early morning comfortable conversation filled with LOUD laughter and familiars JABS reminiscent of the kind old buddies, even old couples are used to. But I knew in my HEART. I loved him with every fibre in my being....Yet, We couldn't go on like this, cos someone's heart was bound to get broken....and I was looking exactly like the perfect CAST for that role. I needed to do something swift, maybe even stupid. I'll rather break my own heart myself, than let him BREAK it again for the umpteenth time. So I picked up my phone and dialled the one person I knew had the potential to save me from myself. And after a very long conversation....I said 'YES'. I don't know if I'm making another mistake right now....but since Mr B knows how I feel about Mr A and Mr A doesn't feel any regrets about losing me to Mr B....and Mr B wants a chance to help me forget Mr A exists....And Mr A is happy for me, wishing me all the best with Mr B. So I decided to take my FINAL exit from this DEAD-END relationship, knowing it's over and I'm out.... In the end, a woman only wants THE man who truly wants her too. Wink!!!
Have A Fantastic Friday Lovelies! Kisses!