Sunday, 23 November 2014

#AskAlex: I Love Her But I'm Not Ready To Be A Step Father To Her Kids

Dear Alex,

I like your blog and I also like how you give in depth opinions about other people's worries. For so long I avoided dating women with kids but presently I'm in love with a single mother of 2 and I've known her for 3 years but we only recently started spending quality time and we even KISSED. She's an amazing woman and I really wish she will take me seriously, But she wants something more committed and I don't know if I can give her that because I'm not sure I can be a step father to her kids. Do you think it makes me selfish? Andrew.

Hello Andrew. Thanks for following my blog. It really means a lot to me. I've been trying to figure, how best to help you with your present concern. Since I am no STRANGER to the wonderful world of parenting, with four years of being the sole care-giver of my adorable son, Ray.... gave me that sneak preview into one of the most difficult jobs on the market (and I can understand your fear a little). And while some might be thoroughly enjoying their independence at the moment, and hoping to start their own future families from scratch, I pretty much have accepted the reality, that my future family would in fact be an EXTENDED one, as anyone who wants me in their life, will also be gaining a free son, Ray. Now, A lot of the times, when people say they are in love with someone, I almost honestly don't know what they mean.....because to me, the word "LOVE" is an active reflection of several virtues. Let me explain....

Love is Compassion, Love is Kind, It is Generous, it doesn't keep records of wrong doings (meaning it is Forgiving), as it is also Giving, it doesn't INSIST on its own way (in other words....love is COMPROMISE), it is Sacrifice, it is not Selfish (ln other words, love isn't about your own needs, but the needs of the other person). So just imagine that she says she loves you but can't be with you because your dick is too small or your nose is too crooked. Wouldn't you expect her to love you completely, even with the crooked nose and a limb dick? Just saying.... So how can you claim to "be in love" with a woman, who wants a committed relationship that doesn't EXCLUDE her kids, but you are afraid to give her that....And yet you want her to take you seriously? How more 'serious' can she be? And you not realising that, may just show her how selfish you can be....

Is she supposed to throw away her kids for you....or better still, engage in a meaningless SEXUAL relationship that isn't going anywhere or giving her or the children any form of hope?

When you truly love someone, you love all aspects of them and everything that connects to them, even if those things aren't perfect. Okay, scratch that....lets be a little more REALISTIC.  Its impossible to love everything about a person, but if you really like more things about them, then the few things you don't like about them become IRRELEVANT. In this case, you love an amazing woman but hate the fact that she already has kids with another man, right? But I'm thinking how can you love a woman apart from her children who are products of her love, her upbringing, her challenge, her patience, her struggles, her prayers, her goals and her LIFE. You don't have to be their STEP Father. You can be their father or guide or mentor, whatever it is, as long as she can see that you are making an effort to include them in to your life as well.

Let me knock this in, I'm a single mother and despite the STIGMA, single parents face everyday, both from society and from those who should love and UNDERSTAND them, I wear "motherhood" like a badge of honour because it is my proof that I survived life in itself, whether I have a supportive spouse or not. Now, If there is anything a woman is blessed with, it's INSTINCTS and she gets a double portion of that when she becomes a parent. Any woman who knows a bit of the struggle it takes to raise children, definitely wants a SOLID man in her life, someone who will be an awesome 'companion' to her as well as a great 'father' to her children. And she also knows when a man isn't there for the right reasons or even for the long haul.

#1) Why Is She Single? 

I see in so many ways how SOCIETY brainwashed our minds to think that 'single parents' especially mothers are victims of their own bad choices.. Well, in some cases....that could be true. But we also forget that most single mothers end up so because of LAZY men who refused to grow up and take actual responsibility for their own actions. Also a woman could be left single to raise a child under so many different circumstances, not because she was a 'reckless woman unworthy' of love or marriage by the MORON who supposedly deserted her and the kids. 

She may have been a victim of separation or divorce (and it isn't always because she was the evil wife who couldn't lock down her husband or keep a good man), Relationships are way more COMPLICATED than we could ever fathom....She could even be widowed (not because God hated her or she didn't pray well enough for the protection of her husband's soul) only God knows who belongs in our life and for how long, because only he calls the shots when it comes to our purpose and those we need to drive it. She could even be 'single by choice' (Yes, a woman reserves the right to be lonely, than to be in bad company and no one should ever blame her for being wise about that). Whatever the reasons are, everyone still deserves a fair chance to be happy again, because SINGLE is not a disease and children are a beautiful gift from God, whether they are yours or not. Besides you should be proud that she is the kind of woman who does what is right, not was is easy. The kind who is strong enough to face her fears and ride the tide like a soldier. Not one who could have easily aborted her pregnancy, abandoned her kids or dumped them with a father who wouldn't care.

#2) Who Is A Father?

Let's be honest, any woman who already has children is checking out a potential mate, not just for herself but for her kids as well, let me use myself for example. I'm clearly not dating, not because of a scant availability of successful hot looking men with great sexual package down below, with good intentions and a fantastic relationship resume....but....I ask myself.... are they FIT for the "Daddy" role? Hang on, I'm not exactly scanning every man I see, hoping to kidnap one and invite the justice of the peace over to marry us off. I mean, if I ever had to seriously consider a great mate for myself, I would be wondering if he will also be a good MENTOR and guide for my son Ray. Why? A father is not really the man who donates the SPERM. A father is actually the one who raises a child. And I keep wondering if any of the men who flock around me, wanting something, are ready to become a great father figure to my son. Would I want Ray to take after any of these men in character and values? Are they the sort of men, I would want my son to emulate or even build an attachment to or learn from? Do they love him as much as they love me, if not more. Do they see him as a part of me and not an extra liability?

One of the major problems I realise, is that we tend to see children of single parents as the father's property not a mothers product and most men don't want another man's 'baggage' or better still a child with another man's DNA.....but have we thought about it this way, that all the man did was biologically donate a little bit of sperm not more than 50ml, yet they forget the woman they claim to love also forms an important part, if not a more important role in the child's existence, because it was her ovaries and her womb that incubated the little foetus for months, the stress the pains and even the miracle she has worked to turn a simple restless spermatozoa into a human being. Rather than be appreciated and valued, she gets the short-circuit for birthing a miracle simply because it belonged to another man in her past. Love doesn't discriminate.

#3) What She Wants

Any sensible single mother will not accept any man, who accepts only a portion of her. She wants a man who is not afraid of a challenge, one who will complement her weaknesses and fill in the boots. Someone who is willing and ready to become everything she not only wants, but NEEDS and while most men tend to think a lot of it is purely financial, it's not exactly true. She wants a man who will relieve her from the mental, psychological and emotional responsibility of being alone. Someone who will give her ideas and tips on how best to get positive result from her kids and turn them into great independent minds. Someone who will be a great confidant as well as her partner in crime in the area of child rearing, as well be a great SUPPORT system to her. Someone who understands that love is universal and doesn't choose which DNA only deserves it. Someone who understands that motherhood is a full time job she doesn't get paid for, but finds creative ways to REWARD her with his love.  Always remember that women are big time suckers for men who genuinely love kids and their children will always be the way to her heart. If you care, then do something sweet and affectionate towards them and you'll win her over completely.

#4) What You Can Learn From Her....

Being around single mothers isn't always about listening to them whine about their baby daddies, lack of child support or even their piles of BILLS and the responsibilities on her shoulders. Well, I rarely talk about my ex husband to other men, I almost never do and I certainly don't find the fun in reminding them of a not too pleasant PAST. But if a man were lucky to spend a lot time around me and see how I manage my home, work and Ray. He would definitely think I'm 'Super Woman's' first cousin. Hahahah. 

Here are things a man can learn from a single mother.

a) You can't parent out of pain, fear, and insecurity. You have to love and nurture children and be living examples of what is right, no matter what you've been through.

b) You can't mistreat or cheat on your woman and expect to produce a happy and healthy home. You have to cherish your woman because a happy woman equals, happy kids and happy kids make things way easier.... and that makes a very happy home.

c) A man can't effectively lead his home until he can lead himself. He has to become a master of self before anything else, by how he manages a woman who already has that 'bragging' right in mastering herself and her home, because she can help him to become the solid man he needs to be.

d) Let your woman be great and she will make you greater. Respect her, honour her input and love her children, oh, you can be sure she'll forever love you for that and you'll be better for it! 

They say the best thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother....

I say the best thing a man can do for a SINGLE MOTHER is to love her children, because that's a one way ticket straight to her heart. No return! You dig?! 

So do I think it's SELFISH of you to want her and not want her kids? Errr....Let me ask you this, then....

Do you think it's selfish for her to only kiss you and not let you go all the way with her body? It's doesn't seem fair to have one without the other right? EXACTLY!!!! There you have my answer. Lol.

Do let me know if this helps to clear your doubts and solve your concern dear. Xoxo.

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