Dear Alex,Hello Sola, I wish I could see you and just throw my arms around you for a tight squeeze. I completely know what you are going through cos I have been down that road myself. I am not a relationship expert, so I won't pretend I have all the answers. My candid opinion will be based on what I've learned from the greatest teacher of all, EXPERIENCE.
I have been following your brilliant blog posts for a while and I'm so impressed with your writings and inspiring audio's. I just got married 6 months ago and I think my husband is still in love with his Ex. I always suspected he still had feelings for her because of the way he treats her and always makes reference to her about everything, but I found my proof a few days ago when I stumbled on a text message he sent her, telling her that the sex was great and she's the only woman he loves and will always love. What do I do Alex? My heart is broken, I've done nothing but cry. I can't even confront him. I'm just too weak. Is it my fault? What do you think I should do? Please reply. Thanks. Sola.
I have been through this same situation twice. Once in 2001 and I stumbled upon emails by my then boyfriend Joseph who had written to his ex girlfriend in London. My heart was torn apart and I felt BETRAYED. He wasn't sleeping with her because, she was far away in london but he was thinking of her, dreaming of her and wishing I was her and oh the best part, I really looked a lot like her. (in other words) I was her clone and his emotional infidelity was way more serious to me, because there's nothing worse than someone you are intimate with building emotional connections outside your relationship. And that was the birth of the general dis-trust I had for men. Foolish me, I bought his excuse, forgave him and still dated for 2 years till he left the country. But he never ended up marrying any of us anyway. Six years later, I met "Tiger" (not his real name) and I fell in love with him, same drama....Yet I tried to be the bigger woman, sacrificed a lot and tolerated being COMPARED to the other lady who lied constantly to him, cheated him, faked a lot of stories and even falsified a pregnancy for months. But he didn't see what was wrong with that, he preferred her and made so many excuses for her...After all love forgives all, right? And another 7 years down the line I'm still living in her shadow despite the fact that she's not more intelligent, not more beautiful, generous, kinder, accomplished, loving or better than me in all ramifications. (oh maybe it was the sex, who knows?) Lol. But what does that tell you about most men? Exactly! Its not about you or what you are doing wrong, its about them and the funny choices they make. You can be the most perfect woman in the world, but if a man doesn't UNDERSTAND the role of a woman in his life or the purpose for which she was created, he will mistreat and under-value her.
Now I know you are newly weds and I know that you love him or you wouldn't feel so desperate for a solution. Here's what I think you should do....Cut off his balls and dice it, into some little penis chops for some sweet pepper soup. (Okay, i'm kidding....Let's just do things the big girl way).
#1) First Things First.... Big Girls Don't Cry.
I know what you are thinking. Yes, you are allowed to feel betrayed and shed as much PRIVATE tears as you want. But don't take those tears to him. Why? Hang on, have you realised that tears never stopped any man from doing what they wanted. Besides, he'll just think you are trying to manipulate him emotionally. And when you are emotional you can't really think can you? He will end up using your own tears to blind you with a sorry ass story that will impede your judgement. Wipe the tears and put on your best straight poker face. Its time to act THE QUEEN BITCH.
#2) Confront Him Nicely
A Queen BITCH is always in control of herself....(Babe-In-Total-Control-Of-Herself). So this isn't the time to bring the drama. Believe me, I have tried that a few times and it never solved anything. So forget about screaming your wits out or even quietly suffering in silence just to play the Sweet Ave Maria.... He needs to know straight up in the calmest voice you can muster, that you are hurt and absolutely disappointed in him.
#3) Apologise Before He Throws It Back
You obviously intruded on his privacy by going through his phone (I've tried that a few times....Believe me, I know that impulse to go all CIA on him and get yourself some good proof that you're instincts aren't misleading you...But Geez, the last I found....I promised myself never to try that again) Now, he can turn that around to his favour. So before he goes that route....Say this or something similar; "I'm sorry I invaded your privacy and went through your phone but I needed to prove my instincts wrong because I was so sure you'd never do anything to hurt me....But it's turns out I don't really know you at all. I'm really sorry. I think I married a stranger" You have acknowledged that you are wrong but you have also shot him in the brain. Lol.
#4) Reiterate Your Standards
The truth is that we teach people how to really treat us by the standards we give them. Whatever we condone is what we communicate as okay. If a child steals and you don't punish or reprimand that child, he or she will go on thinking it's okay to steal. Same way, if your man cheats on you or thinks it's okay to maintain constant communication with a woman he still has reserved feelings for, then you are telling him it's okay to keep disrespecting you. So let him know straight up, you are not the type to keep chasing a man you have already won and you have no intentions of fighting for a man who is emotionally unavailable, neither are you willing to compromise your needs or your standards. Let him know that you love him with every fibre of your being and you understand his feelings for the other woman. But you also know that love is a decision, it is a choice....so if he claims to love her, he has simply CHOSEN her over you and you are willing to nicely let him be with the woman he loves. (meanwhile, don't just say these words but mean them and be ready for whatever the outcome will be). Either of two things will happen....
a) He will be so surprised by your cool, calm and civil reaction that he will realise what a fool he is to lose his present happiness for the past and beg for your forgiveness.
b) He will think it's a bluff and that you are playing mind games and go on about his extra marital business, maybe even ask for a divorce....
Whatever the case is, I can't tell you what decision to make when it comes down to the wire. That will be your responsibility because only you know what you can take or tolerate. Still I know that some marriages overcome their challenges and this is one of such CHALLENGE. Love takes a lot of work and commitment from both parties. And women need to start showing men how best to love them by what they tolerate. Dr Myles Monroe will say a WOMAN is an enhancer, a reflector and a life giver, pretty much like an INCUBATOR, whatever a man gives to her, she will multiply it and give back to him double. i.e. If A man gives a woman his SPERM, she gives him a BABY. He gives her a HOUSE and she gives him a HOME....He gives her GROCERIES and she turns it into a MEAL. He gives her a SMILE and she gives him her HEART. He gives her PEACE and she gives him back the HAPPINESS he deserves. (If only we women truly even knew our power and purpose).
Let him know, moving forward....that there will be no double standards in your marriage or relationship because what is good for him is equally good for you as well (After all, you are a human being with the same blood running through your veins (and no where in the Bible, does it say only women shall not commit adultery) Hahahah. Okay, I'm not trying to encourage you to get back at him. The purpose of this enlightenment is to get him to see your marriage as a level playing field for you both, perhaps then, he can put himself in your shoes and ask himself how he would feel if reverse were the case. He also needs to know that the love and respect must be equal, in other words you are willing to work on the same pace as he and match him respect for respect, love for love, kindness for kindness.
You can read one of my posts "THE QUEEN BITCH EVERY REAL MAN NEEDS" or I can mail you an E-copy of Sherry Argov's book "WHY MEN LOVE BITCHES". It will help clarify the role you play in enabling the way he treats you. I will also like to recommend a book THE PRAYING WIFE by Stormie Omartian (I secretly read it from time to time, even now that I'm single).
I wish you both well and I pray you can resolve the issues amicably and find PEACE in your marriage. Do let me know the outcome of the talk....(And oh, don't use the dreaded "we need to talk".... it scares the SHIT out of them. Hahahah. And it will set him in a defence mode. Just tell him you want to share something important with him) Keep it honest and clean dear. Just remember to EXPRESS, not what you 'think' but how you FEEL, because one of the biggest regrets we can encounter are the WORDS we didn't say when we had the chance. If he's a wise man, he'll hold on tight to you and never let you go. Xoxo.
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