Monday, 17 November 2014

#AskAlex: Is My Woman Holding Me Back From Progress?

Dear Alex, 

I need your advice. I'm very confused. My Family thinks my present girlfriend is spiritually holding me back from making progress...And my mom wants me to visit her pastor who thinks my childhood friend Mary (whom I dated briefly n treated very badly when I secretly asked her to abort my baby 2 different times in the past.... may be the right one for me) but Mary says she's no longer in love with me, even though she still loves me as a friend and helps me out whenever I need her. I have great sex with my present GF and she's cool to hang with but I have a special affection for Mary though I didn't realise it till now. If she's the one, then I don't want to lose her to the new man that wants to marry her. Do you think my pastor is right? What should I do to win her back? Solomon.


Hey Solomon,

Forgive me but I have to be really CANDID with you....How the hell do you ask a woman who has been a good friend to you to abort two different pregnancy that came from your loins and yet EXPECT her to still want anything to do with you?....Seriously!!!!

Okay I'm not going to judge you and I'm also not in any position to give you the kind of spiritual advise you may be seeking or even tell you if your present girl is 'spiritually' holding you back from progress, neither do I think it's even a question for your pastor. But I can give you pointers that can help you answer the question yourself.

When I met my ex, I was a budding Actor and Writer with great promise.... And a sexual relationship dragged too far, we both ended up married, but a little before then, the realities started changing. What was convenient was no longer convenient....He didn't want me to act anymore even though I thought He would be the one person to understand that the CREATIVE industry was my LIFE. That I didn't just stroll into it for fame, money or lack of education. I was born into the Arts. And even though I wasn't willing to compromise a CAREER I consider a part of my life, I still respected him and stayed away. Moved in to another city, got cut from Jobs, my colleagues and my contacts....Was even forced to put on some weight (something I did out of respect and love), because no one expects the person they are in a relationship with to SABOTAGE their future. What I earned from working hard in 4 years plus, I lost it in 6 months of getting married. No job, no friends, no extended family, no contacts....And I ended up a FRUSTRATED stranger in a country I really knew no one but his family....Stuck with an overweight backside, an insecure husband and a growing baby. Lol. Now do you think he was holding me back from making progress? Aha!!!! Was it the Devils fault? Nope, this was clearly a result of my bad choice. I didn't ask myself some hard truths....And I thought 'OBSESSION and LUST' was love. But someone who really loved me will never Jeopardise my future...And let's be honest, I didn't even know then, what I know NOW. 

It's important to stop blaming the devil or some spiritual POWER for the negative things that happen to us, as a result of the silly choices we make. The devil isn't always responsible for every MISTAKE we make, we must sometimes, know that there are 'consequences' for every action and there's something called KARMA and its trickle down effect. We can't just HURT people, take advantage of them and treat them badly, yet expect to live a happy fulfilling life. That's not how life really works, so if you ask me....I will say STEP back a bit and look inwards at your choices, by answering a few questions.

#1) How Do You Know Your Partner Is Holding You Back?

It is very easy for us to find ourselves stuck with partners who really do not add value to our lives and do nothing for our growth. Lots of men, have such TROPHY women who just take up space and drain their lives but add no increase what so ever.... Please read "SHE'S SINGLE BY DESIGN" it might help you figure out what kind of woman you have. But it's not difficult to figure out if she's of VALUE to you. Does she know about your long term vision? Is she an ASSET and does she find ways to improve you and connect you to avenues that help and motivate your goals? Does she make sacrifices that  SUPPORT your dreams? Do you feel like you are winning with her in your life? Can you make analysis of your life before her and with her, which is better? Has she helped you achieve any goals? Can you discuss your work with her and does she INSPIRE you with ideas to better your craft? Can you trust her judgement and INSTINCTS? Does she bring good luck to you? Or do you think your life will be better without her? Is she keeping you from spreading your wings or is she always beating you down and comparing you to others. Does she feel like you can be greater and actually EMPOWER you to.... or is she just comfortable with who you are and what you have achieved so far in life? Can you really picture a fulfilling life without her? Why? Why Not? If you can honestly answer this questions, then you have the ANSWER you need as regards whether your present girl is holding you back.

#2) Does Your Woman Have The 5 Qualities A man Should Look For In A Woman?

Now. Its quite funny what men really look for in women. Its usually the fleeting obvious....but what about SUBSTANCE? I understand you enjoy great sex with your woman and believe me SEX is very important in any romantic relationship (don't let anyone tell you different). Its important because it's supposed to communicate the things that words can't and bond you both closer....But a relationship can't be all about sex. In fact , women don't DATE for the sex, (they don't need to) and even a man shouldn't. You both can screw each other nuts and yell like banshees, but after the sex, there better be something connecting you both in the real world aside the "ooohs and the aaahs". Lol. Is she someone you discuss real tangible issues with and even seek her counsel....or is she just a good time lady? Please read "THE WOMAN HE WANTS Vs THE WOMAN HE NEEDS" but to make it easier. Here's a list of the five kinds of woman a sensible man should look for....

a) The Available Woman: I don't mean just a single unmarried woman who's not presently dating. I mean a woman who is EMOTIONALLY available and open to love. Let me use myself as an example. I have been single for 3 years plus (despite being chased by so many good men who either wanted to date or even marry me and become a father to my son) amidst all their hard work and effort to get me and my attention. It was just a waste of time. Why? Because my heart, my body and my love (For so long) belonged to another man (Tiger) . So if you are going after a woman who isn't ready to give you a chance or mentally has her mind LOCKED on someone else or hasn't emotionally moved on or healed from a previous relationship and you aren't helping her to. Then, its going to be a bloody waste of time, even if she agrees to date you out of sympathy. 

b) The Loyal Woman: Every man knows what an asset it is, to have a good woman you can TRUST. One that is reliable, dependable and has your back anytime, any day. Not one who is going to get back at you by sleeping with your friend or the one your enemies can use to GAIN access to you. The one they call the "ride or die chick" who will stand by you, stand with you and stand for you, against an entire army and die trying, no matter what happens. No matter even if you hurt her or disappoint her because she's wired to stay true and COMMITTED to you. That's one woman every man needs.

c) The Godly Woman: Ha! Hang on a second, I don't mean the "speaking-in-tongue-fire-spitting-evil-banishing-prayer-warrior" type (Not that there's anything wrong with that. Lol).  But the truth is I'm not referring to the religious FANATIC with extreme Islamic views or Obsessive Christianity Disorder (OCD) who can read the Bible back to front, front to back, is a member of every christian group and leader of all church committee, but lives a reckless secret life. I'm referring to a woman who simply has the FEAR and LOVE of God and shows it in the way she values her man and treats others in the society. Someone who lives a 'transparent' life reminiscent of God's expectations and seeks spiritual growth, not by aiming for PERFECTION, but by living her life according to God's divine purpose and his grace. 

d) The Selfless Woman: Have you met the kind of woman who's heart is hard as stone....Oh I don't mean the tough kind. I mean the kind who can not be moved by other people's SUFFERING or needs. The kind that cares only about herself,  and her desires, and will never make sacrifices unless it BENEFITS her agenda? I'm talking about the kind who will only 'love you' as much as they can use you....The kind that their Loyalty ends where the benefits stop. Every man needs a woman who's willing to make sacrifices on his behalf and put his needs before hers....as he also puts hers before his (That's what love really is) "A give and give...." Not a give and take.

e) The Focused Women: There is a quote that says "Every man with a dream needs a woman with a Vision". That saying is absolutely true because women are reflectors and incubators and whatever you give her, she will double it. Now imagine that you have a woman in your life who is ambitious, hard working, driven and consistent....There is no way such woman won't be an asset to your growth, because she herself aims to grow and be successful in her own life, thus adding value to everyone who surrounds her.

#3) Now, Who Do You Really Love?

This is a question to really ask yourself. But to help you a little, I will say the person you LOVE is the one you consciously choose to be with, based on your acceptance of who they really are....Flaws and all (Remember love is a decision, an action). Not the one you choose because of lust, infatuation or silly small issues....but the one you are willing to respect, care for, value and be loyal to.... because they make you feel like a better person whenever they are around you.  

You might need to ask yourself though if your new found AFFECTION for your childhood friend 'Mary' is just your EGO speaking because she has found a way to move on without you.... or have you realised the value of having her in your life? What are you willing to do to PROVE it? Remember love doesn't hide. Are you willing to give up whatever fun you have going with your present girlfriend? (Remember you can't eat your cake and have it....) And any man who really tries to CHEAT a woman who loves him, is really cheating himself out of real love. Also for your present Girlfriend, you narrowed your relationship with her down to sex, so I guess it's probably a relationship of 'Lustful Convenience'. Well, all that glitters is not gold...and perhaps if you had given Mary a chance, who knows what a great loving family you both would have now and how much personal PROGRESS you would have made (especially with her being so supportive even after you have hurt her severally). That's just my opinion though.

#4) Want To Win Her Back?....

Well, I don't believe in falling in love. I actually believe people "grow to love"....and I do think there's a great chance you can still win her heart back if you really want her to be a part of your life. I also think the fact that she "loves you as a friend" is even way stronger, deeper, more meaningful  and long lasting an affection, than the temporary feeling of "being in love" which usually diminishes after infatuation fades (cos you've known her a long time) Couples that stay married for 35 years usually aren't in love. They just love each other and have grown fond of having the right companion. (Besides, friendship is the best foundation for real lasting relationship, because there are no SECRETS and no LIES.) But here's the truth, a woman who really knows you and has experienced so much with you will not be easily fooled, neither will she give in easily after a bad experience with you. Remember you were supposed to be her friend but you hurt her. Forgiving you is not enough. You have to show that you are willing to make an effort to change. Why? "Well, a man doesn't change because a woman wants him to....He changes because he loves a woman that much." Please read "GET BACK YOUR EX". 

I know that it's so easy to get confused when it comes to matters of the heart....And though it helps to have family and friends APPROVE of those we love and choose. Its still a personal decision you will have to make for yourself.... based on all the hard facts. You also need to sit down with Mary and bare your soul....just acknowledge how you have treated her in the past and genuinely apologise for it. Its okay to be vulnerable (only then will she get a glimpse of the real you) and let her know your true intentions moving forward.

Hopefully today's post will help resolve some of the issues. Do let me know how things go dear. Xoxo.

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