Monday, 8 December 2014

#AskAlex : I'm A Sex Starved Wife, Should I Cheat On My Husband?

Dear Alex, I love the advice you gave Sola on her man. It was so on point. I would actually love you to talk more on sex between married couples. Some men leave their wives sexually starved for long periods, say like 6-8 months. Even up to a year at times, and they expect such a woman to be a super woman, make an oath of celibacy while they keep having some fun outside. In a situation like these, what should these women do when they're even more under pressure. 95% of marriages now are going through this difficult phase and women can't take it no more, because to me, what is good for the goose is also good for the gander....thanks love. Mrs T.

Hello Mrs T, thank you for appreciating my contributions and seeking my unfiltered opinions. I'm really sad that any woman or wife should have to go through such neglect from a man that is supposed to love her, body and soul. And though I will never encourage anyone in a relationship whether male or female to cheat on their spouse/partner (because once again I know how it feels to be neglected or be the one constantly trying) Still, I will tell it as I see it.

I keep talking about love, not because we don't hear enough people swear by LOVE daily, but because it has been so used and abused....so much so that most marriages are actually 'subconsciously' founded on either LUST or mere CONVENIENCE and one day either of these two sources will fade or just get tedious. The relationship you have will become lack lustre and it will no longer be a convenient ride (and even that happens within some healthy loving relationship).

I remember when I was pregnant with Ray and my ex-husband was away for months, and I was stuck with a growing belly, mood swings, crazy hormones, no manly support and my freaky horny self. What was I suppose to do? My mother and the Ante-natal Matron had warned me that I needed to be engaged in sex to have a normal birth and help ease my baby out during delivery. And what was supposed to be a month trip turned into 6 months. Imagine a preggy first time mother by herself for 6 months and horny as FUCK....and I couldn't stray, actually chose not to (because I could have....and to be honest I did think about it several times, because I was still a very attractive woman in the first 7 months of my pregnancy) and let's just say some men are crazy like that. A horny pregnant woman ranks high in the FANTASY department. Hahahah. But what did I do, I settled for Masturbating myself (whenever my tiny fingers could miraculously find its way under my fat protruding belly) and I honestly didn't have the brevity to wiggle my fat belly into a shop and get myself a vibrator (but the electric tooth brush I invested in, did some good) but probably changed my already shaky relationship forever. 

Does your man love you? Well, the answer isn't rocket science, it's rather SIMPLE, (remember what I wrote about love not hiding) No one is ever too busy for the person they care about. No one neglects or ignores the person they love, no matter how busy or angry or tired they are. If you love someone, that person automatically becomes a PRIORITY. Now when a woman loses the priority position in her man's life, it might be safe to say you are no longer of VALUE to him....and that means, you are no longer important because your partner is either losing feelings or is mentally invested in other things he considers to be more important than you presently. And that must make you feel like crap.

But honestly, can you imagine your partner staying away from his favourite car for 6 or 8 months and decide to trek miles to work? Can you imagine him staying away from his mobile phone for 6 or 8 months or even a year when he values the importance of having one? Do you really see him going 6 or 8 months without drinking water? My point? Well, sex in a loving relationship is pretty much like WATER to plants. It helps to foster bonding, understanding, communication and growth between a couple.

So no matter the excuses made, no one stays disconnected from those they care about.... because SEX is the most important way for married couples to physically communicate their love and stay bonded. (Even the Bible talks about the man and woman leaving their families to become one body and one soul) And honestly speaking the only place I see that a man and woman can realistically become one body and even one soul is only during the act of SEX because their needs, purpose and actions during sex are in interloped and intertwined in unison.

So what do you do if you aren't getting some?

#1) Get A Sex Toy

A Woman has needs and let's be honest, she also has the same blood that runs through a man's veins, high libido, wanton or not. But more important is the feeling of rejection and sexual abandonment or starvation that irks. So rather than wear the SEX STARVED WIFE logo in colourful pink fonts on your forehead or ngage in a sexual liaison outside your relationship, perhaps it might be wise to invest in a dildo, a bullet or a vibrator in the right specification and colour you want. The right toy will give you some sense of control over your sex life and while that may not compare to the actual warmth of your partner. You really aren't going months without hitting the big Orgasm....and your husband might find the "New Mr Fix It" a complete turn on or a serious competition he needs to take out. Lol. 

#2) Have The Naked Talk

You probably haven't tried talking to him or maybe you have and you've grown tired of always being the one to initiate, always being the one who cares more about bonding. The fights have become overwhelming. The loneliness is killing you. And he simply doesn't get it. Or worse yet, you wonder, Does he get it? Is he doing this to punish me? You ask yourself, What's wrong with me? Am I not attractive or sexy enough? Or is he cheating with another woman? Aha! I know right....Kai!!! How did you find the one man in the world who would prefer doing just about anything other than making love to you? Believe me, you are not alone and the double standards don't help. Still you have to have that "straight-up-no-bullshitting" conversation. I mean, how is he coping without sex or is he really living without sex? You have to know and to know that, you need to ask him nicely but firmly.

#3) Pray For Patience And Grab It

Now the experts, will tell you that many men lose interest in sex for the same reason many women do: unresolved feelings of anger, resentment, and hurt that make the idea of making love not very appealing. (Now while that could be true in some cases, we women have instincts and we know the difference between a man who's simply not interested in sex and a man who's just not interested in 'sex with us'....And a man who's not interested in sex with his partner is hands down getting sex from somewhere else. Now knowing that your man has no qualms risking or jeopardising your relationship that way, can hurt really bad and trigger you to act irrationally, but pray for PATIENCE before you break that bottle on his head. Lol. Remember he expects you to act the monster wife, so don't. (it's hard but don't....). Don't because, we always think fighting in a relationship means we are fighting for the relationship. (but I learned the hard way, it's a set up. Stay calm, don't fall for it). Just give him the opposite of love....and no its not hate. Its INDIFFERENCE or something similar to the SEESAW EFFECT. 

I read about the 'seesaw effect' and I think it makes sense trying it. Here's  a fact: The more you do a certain task or act a certain way, the less your husband will do it, and vice versa. This seesaw effect applies to all areas of relationships. For example, if your husband handles every aspect of finances in your family, chances are that you rarely think about money. If you are the EMOTIONAL one in your relationship, it's likely that your husband keeps his feelings to himself. We tend to 'counterbalance' one another. It's just human nature.

Now, In many relationships, couples start out on equal footing when it comes to sexual DESIRE (as in eh....you both are SPRUNG and can't take your damn hands of each other). Then one person becomes tired, overwhelmed, preoccupied, or busy. This new behaviour prompts his or her partner to double up efforts to keep their sex life on track. When those efforts are met with REJECTION, all of a sudden sex becomes the centre of the universe for the sex-starved partner. And the more the sex-starved partner shines a LIGHT on sex, the less sex the lower-desire spouse wants.(And that's what happened in my case when my husband eventually showed up after 6 months of neglect. I didn't need him anymore....what for? I had my able electric toothbrush and I certainly wasn't interested in sex with him or any man for that matter....and the fact that he kept wanting to try every second coupled with prey mood swings, INFURIATED me and pissed me the hell off. I mean, how did he think I survived for 6 months. it's not like my coochie is on a working rooster, blurp!!!). Hahahah.

If you're the only one putting energy into rekindling your sex life, your husband has come to expect that. He knows you'll take the lead. If you want him to be more involved sexually, you need to EXPERIMENT with stepping back and letting him notice you're not pursuing him. This technique helps you break out of your rut by giving him a chance to pursue you instead without feeling pressured.

#4) Leave, if it's broken....

I know some people would go for my jugular but wait a minute, rather than cheat on your husband, leave the relationship if you have tried every thing from switching things up, being spontaneous, SEXY and spicy or even just subtle flirtatious hints. Here's what I know....Every marriage can work for the same reasons it won't work. Its all up to you to decide how you see your relationship and if your partner is  WORTH the pain and sacrifices you have to make or if he's even willing to really work at it. Its that simple. Some say if it's broken, fix it....but I have just learned not to bother trying to put the pieces back, because there is always going to be a CRACK from a missing piece. And your heart will get broken some more. And you don't want to live an unfulfilled, unhappy life because you are with someone who honestly doesn't respect your needs or value you enough to make reasonable CHOICES that encourage your happiness. 

What really is the sense in being with someone simply because SOCIETY will judge you, when society isn't the one who lives your pain or goes to bed every night lonely from the tears of heartache? The only extra benefit you don't get from having a great male friend who listens to you, supports you, prays with you, adores you and maybe even helps you financially or creatively, is the EXCLUSIVE sex you reserve only for your man. So sex is as important to woman as it is to a man in any relationship. Now what's left of the relationship if he takes away the one thing that places him a little ahead of your platonic friends? Exactly! And riding a bicycle on a flat tyre and hoping it will still take you to your destination is pure foolery to me. Besides, It might take him having to lose you to REALISE that he needs to step up to his responsibility. But then again, that's just my opinion. You can check out www.sexstarvedwife.com for more professional help. And let me know how things go with the hubby. Xoxo.

What do you think Lovelies? How about I throw this out in the open and get your contributions. I bet Mrs T is itching to read your thoughts and so am I.

NOTE: Don't forget to follow and Tune in on Wednesday 10th, Dec 2014 @ 2pm (WAT)| 3pm (CAT)| 8am (EST) And join me and my special guests at The LIVE Official World Premiere of My Online Talk Radio Show "THE NAKED TALK with Alex Okoroji" and discuss some real candid issues.

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