"Don't ever believe the LIES people tell you about yourself. For so long, I did things for other people's approval and VALIDATION....I would break my back, twist my ankle and even try to back flip my way into acceptance....and guess what I would trip and fall flat on my face....because the mean girls club don't fratenise with the good girls and the hot men's club don't want no TIMID girl.culled from 'Chapter 5: Metamorphosis From Girl To Woman' in my upcoming book "THE NAKED EXPERIENCE".
So the silly wonkers for who I was bursting my butt to fit in, would sit in the corner laughing behind me. Why? They were so sure I will never push beyond my LIMITATIONS, because my limitations were reality founded on the boundaries, that they themselves had set for me, and I had mentally held the lock, padlocked my DESTINY and threw away the freaking keys. Yet they will go home in celebration because they were in control. In control of letting me believe that i was not good enough, good maybe....but certainly NOT 'enough'. And If I ever tried to push past the timid girl ILLUSION of psychological bondage and scored a little point in my heels, the congratulations were as cold as a dry patched PUSSY, because the truth is, they may want to see you do good, but they certainly don't want to see you do BETTER than them.
Yes! I must have tried to be dark skinned one time, (I mean Tiger had a huge thing for dark skinned women) and since I could not ask God for extra inches in the height department, I knew there was no chance in heaven I could even dwarf Naomi Campbell.... So I picked the one thing I had control over....while my contemporaries were trying to get fairer complexion, and increase their chances of getting cast for movies because the light skinned women were the 'flavours of the month', .....I was just working on getting darker (not because I was compelled to, but the only thing my immature mind understood was that to be loved and appreciated, I needed to transform myself into what others wanted of me or expected of me even at the expense of losing myself. I even remember one time, Annie Macaulay asked me on set of the movie, "Heroes Bride"...."Hey Gurl! Why are you getting darker Alex?" Ah! it certainly wasn't because I couldn't afford a jar of lotion. I simply was trying to fit into a man's ideal even if I ended up like a box of charcoal....I wanted to be PERFECT even though there's no such thing as perfect, because even those for whom I tried to change myself, they are not perfect themselves or who am I bullshitting? Despite taking two classes everyday, Aerobics in the morning and Pilates in the evening, just to keep fit, I still wasn't as skinny as he preferred and I honestly knew nothing about kicking a man to the CURB where he can kiss my fat-awesome-ass goodbye. Instead I felt pressured, overwhelmed and insecure and in turn acted irrationally most times. Sweet corn and tuna fish for lunch, tummy rumbling for some cool carbohydrate brunch....but I needed to stay sweet for the cool bros. I must have mingled a little in the same DIRTY pond, truth or dare. Truth or dare, would you kiss the girl? Damn! Don't ever give me a challenge, that has me tongue tied and tasting of cherry chapsticks, you dig? I never stand down even if It doesn't feel right. Ask Katy Perry what she did.
Rolling in the skin wrapped around confusion, It was nothing short of me pretending to be someone I really wasn't. Scared of standing out STRAIGHT like an arrow or even letting my weaknesses peak out for fear that no one would really love the REAL me. But while I struggled to cover my multitude of shame down experience lane, I found a crack that tore down the wall which wrapped me up in unfounded WISDOM, I stripped the lies and found my beautiful NAKED self unleashed from self suffocation and liberated in to gorgeous glory. And there came a whiff of fresh air. Alas! FREEDOM! Away from the lies and into a presence of mind. I have long since past caring to IMPRESS anyone. Because the people I need, the ones I want and those I eventually get, were always completely different people. And I myself, now am different too....why? because I am now a woman who has MASTERED her own mind. And while it seems pretty normal to use my past experience to hold me back. I decided to use my experiences to push myself forward....and that's how I broke the handcuffs and WON. I conquered immaturity, I stepped beyond my limitations and Metamorphosised from Girl to Woman....So if they tell you that you can't do it....That's a lie they want your timid mind to BELIEVE. Don't do it....Don't believe them...."
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