Dear Alex, Thank you for following me back on twitter. I hope I haven't missed free advice Friday? Wanted to ask you something important. Can you advise me on my sexual issues? My problem is this, I have this pre notion that whenever I want to make love I won't last longer. And it always affects my performance. What could be the reason for this? What can I do to enhance my performance? I await your reply. Thanks. Ayo.
Thanks for reaching out to me and my apologies that we weren't able to chat for long during FREE ADVICE FRIDAY. I know a man's sexual performance in the romp is pretty much a big deal to him. And I hope I can help you channel your thoughts in the right direction with this post.
First of all, we must remember that what we THINK affects how our body responds. If we have depressed thoughts, our body literally starts acting depressed. Same way if a sexual or raunchy thought crosses our mind, our body starts to get aroused and responds simultaneously.
You need to stop thinking about your PERFORMANCE prior to sex. Because lovemaking isn't the OLYMPICS and you are not going to be awarded a medal for participating. It is a medium of EXPRESSING your feelings using your body. So your thoughts should naturally be on how gorgeous the woman is or how intelligent her mind is, or how great her body looks. The goal here is to FOCUS more on the stimulating part(s) of her that ATTRACTS you, while taking your time to get to connect with her physically, as oppose to worrying so much about WHETHER you'll please her well, instead of 'HOW' you'll please her. Believe me, you'll help her get her FREAK ON, if you 'connect' with her on a level she finds comfortable. Because it's only at the point of connection, that she can tell you what she really likes.
Now, a lot of men assume women are walking around with an invisible score card RATING men sexually....Well, truth be told, she will rate you after you have flipped out your 8 inches of veined sausage and discombulated her womb without a care in the world for her own rhythm. She will rate you and tell all her other girlfriends to free willy jr....and you'll literally become the COCK-MONSTER. Lol. But, if you are sensitive towards her sexually. Even if you give her only 2 minutes of penetration (heavens forbid), sad as it may seem....it will be the best two minutes of her freaking life and she will want more of you, ten minutes after you catch some rest . In my own opinion, it's way better for her to crave more of you 10 minutes after than to want nothing more to do with you after 45 minutes of pummelling her. Or don't you think?
Now here's what I think you should consider, if you really want ENHANCE your performance and prolong lovemaking....
#1) Its Really How You Use It That Matters - And Not Size
As a woman size has never mattered much to me, I mean it's not like we choose our men by penal measurements. I doubt we ask men to flip out their SPANKERS while we inspect them with a measuring tape. I've never heard a lady tell her girlfriend to hook her up with a guy with 9inches of hot rod either. Its probably more tuned towards a guy who's GOOD in bed, not a guy who's LONG in bed. And since women don't come with the same manual. It will help if you forgot about your size and pay more attention to what she in particular likes.
#2) What A Performance!
Forget about performance. It takes two to tango baby and (traditionally) two to make love. You need to stop thinking about your performance like it's a theatre show. C'mon it's not "The Ayo Show" where your performance will get a detailed critique. Imagine per show review, meeting analysis, target charts, withheld bonuses. Sure, you need to please your partner, but not at the expense of your own enjoyment. And you can't enjoy sex if all you are thinking about is whether you are delivering a good job on entertaining your lover. As an actor, I know this. And as a woman I see it often and it's rather frustrating.(Don't choke going down on me because you imagine I'm comparing you to the last guy who gave me a head, UNTIL you started moaning on my behalf and asking if you are the best I've ever truly had, that guy didn't even cross my mind) Hahahah. Its not a competition.
So I will advise, when next you are with your woman, just "cuddle up naked" and on no account should you have sex! Hard as it may seem, this will take all the pressure off; and once you stop trying, things will feel much more natural.
Start to think of lovemaking as 'more' than just the 'mechanics' of SEX. Infact, bring in the SOUL SEX. Just being vulnerable together is as much INTIMATE, if not more, to do with 'making love' as the sex act in itself. You can read my #AskAlex Post "CAN MY MAN AND I HAVE SOUL SEX?"
#3) Healthy Sexual Functioning Comes From A Healthy Lifestyle....
Your penis works healthily when you are healthy - think of it as your health barometer (but don't introduce it as such). If you keep your body healthy and well-maintained, your sexual functioning will improve.
To keep your 'barometer' healthy and working:
a) Don't Smoke. Men who smoke are twice as likely to suffer impotence as healthier non-smokers (I remember talking a few times to my ex, Tiger about his smoking and dependence for a little 'herb' to spur things and I kept letting him know it was affecting his erection and our sex). Cigarettes damage arteries carrying blood into all the organs of the body. And the weed doesn't help either. Who wants all that smoke and bad breath? You get what I'm saying? And the news isn't much better for heavy drinkers.
b) Limit Alcohol Consumption. Excessive boozing reduces testosterone production, which can lower sex drive and cause impotence.
c) Manage Your Stress. Stress increases cortisol in your body and compromises testosterone production, lowering sex drive and function. Relax regularly, take adequate breaks, and get enough sleep.
d) Exercise. When you're fit, you feel and look more attractive, which will lift your sexual confidence. And, as we'll see in the next tip, the right kind of exercise will actually increase your levels of sex hormone. Exercise will also improve blood flow, which will make for sexual enhancement.
e) Eat For Sex. Your hormonal expression is strongly influenced by what you eat, and improved circulation results in greater erectile response. Include in your diet foods rich in L-Arginine such as granola, oatmeal, peanuts, cashews, walnuts, dairy, green vegetables, root vegetables, garlic, ginseng, soybeans, bananas, chickpeas, and seeds.
#4) Understand Women's Sexuality
A lot of men aren't quite sure where the erogenous zones are (although they think they have a scant idea). They are yet to understand the importance of FOREPLAY in building a woman's desire (and I don't mean going for her nipple with your wet tongue) You should never go from zero to second or third base. For a woman like me, I have quite a bit of erogenous zones that are not my GENITALS like my back, face, neck, under my feet. And I'm sure there are lots of other women like me. The trick is to keep the strokes light and gentle. Don't make it so obvious your goal is to turn her on. Besides, that shouldn't be your goal. Your goal is to connect and bond with her and by so doing build passion. You should start by creating the mood with music (you can check out this post "MY TOP 25 BABY MAKING MUSIC..."), the right light, finger food/(aphrodisiac) or a stimulating conversation and look out for signs that she wants you to be more tactile or touchy. Because if you go straight from saying hello to kissing her breasts or sticking your fingers down below. You'll probably get more excited than her, that's if she's not irritated already and you may want actual penetration forgetting the average man will climax in about two minutes, whereas a woman typically takes much longer to reach orgasm.
So many different parts of a woman's body (not just the genitals), become aroused during sex and this can happen through gentle feathery touch. Many men like you need to focus on "A Whole New Kind Of Lovemaking Experience" in which you can take your time to focus on her ENTIRE body, and forget about penetration until she's screaming for you to get in..
If you build chemistry by matching her language and interests, then hopefully she'll do the same for you - because different people experience lovemaking differently, and part of having a GREAT sex life is in building a wonderful sense of shared experience. You can read my 'Raw And Unfiltered' Post "GREAT SEX WITHR BAD ROMANCE...."
Hopefully, this post is able to give your mind a direction on where to start. Let me know how things go moving forward dear. Xoxo.
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Have A Sweet Sunday Lovelies! Kisses!!!