Hey Sweetkins, as an Expressionist, my first mandate isn't to simply 'express' my thoughts and opinions... but to first revel in the many depths of TRUTH I find within my EXPERIENCES. So much has happened this past week and I'm still trying to collect all my thoughts. One of which highlights throws me off my game, an ex boyfriend came into town and bam....Once again, I'm somewhat thrown into the lions den. Somewhere around the struggle between untamed physical chemistry, NOSTALGIA and feelings that had me questioning what I thought I already knew about LOVE. And where my dear Tigers fits into all of these, in the scheme of "always have, always will"....as I had clearly forgotten about him for a few days, except when I made a call to report myself that I had nestled in the arms of another man. Clearly, the law of Okafor isn't a myth, at least in this case. (Not that I expected him to care though. I've just gotten used to dumping my shit on him) He's a great listener and sometimes that's all I need.
I was checking my email folders and I stumbled on a series of love letters I had emailed my on-off love interest, Tiger (not real name) two years ago. (Who, until now had no real competition). I didn't realise that I have always been so NAKED about my feelings, so clear about where I stood...And not getting any satisfactory reply then, clearly stipulating the true state of our roller coaster RELATIONSHIP should have given me an idea that our FROLICKING was never going to graduate into anything more. Yet reading this email had me thinking all sorts of things. I mean, even though this letter was addressed to a different man two years ago. it is still relevant now. I'm not willing to become any man's "fuck-buddy"...that hasn't changed even if they have a great FUCK BODY. Hehehe. (My sexcapade with current Mr X is story for another day). What could a man possibly be thinking if he received one of these from a supposedly strong confident woman....And how is he supposed to respond to the question "WHAT DO YOU WANT?".
If you are in one of those COMPLICATED twisted undefined relationships....You might want to see if this letter I wrote a few years ago articulates your own feelings right now....
Hey Dear, I know this would have made better sense said in person or over the phone, but I don't want to ever make you feel cornered or ambushed.
I am soooo happy (because yesterday you made quite an effort to fulfil me in different ways) and it means so much to me. But there's a part of me that feels like I may be mis-understanding the situation, you or your intentions once again. And I really want to be clear. I want to know what we are doing. This time, I want to be clear about where I stand with you and what you want from me, that way, there are no misconceptions between us.
It is true that of the few men I really care about, I do love you the most. That being said, I have also grown to love and value myself. And I'm not willing to be any man's play thing or 'fuck buddy'. I want a man who is willing to give to a relationship with me, as much as I'm willing to give.
I have realised I'm too much of my own woman. And I'll be damned if I have to keep competing somewhat with 'ghosts of girlfriend's past' as I know your confusion with women is endless.
6 years is enough time to know, if I have a place in your life right now...and perhaps someday in the future, if I have a place in your future as well. I know we both aren't done exorcising our demons. Believe me, I'm working as hell on mine and I want to stop carrying around old baggage I can simply toss and be free. So right now I'm not asking you to make promises to me. I'm asking you to make a commitment to yourself. Toss away your old baggage, and set yourself free completely. Yes, I want you to want me. I want you to love me too but more than anything else I want you to love 'yourself' enough to know what kind of Woman you really need. I know what I want. What do you want?
Have a good night dear.
Alex.I think he did try to have a talk with me. Something about trying to get over his feelings for his ex girlfriend and how he would love to be a part of my life and didn't want to lose my amazing friendship....bla bla bla...BUT....of course there is always a complication with these sort of liasons. Either a broken heart that hasn't mended, a wife in the mix, a separation that might not necessarily mean divorce, long distance or a basic sharp guy who thinks he can play fence. lol (Trust me, I'm still trying to wrap my mind around it) Hahahah. And that was the TRUTH. Ha!! Yesk! Your confusion is as good as mine.
Could you possibly be giving your heart, your time and even your body to someone who is never going to take you serious. Well try re-writing my LOVE LETTER and lets see what results they yield for you. I'm very curious to find out.
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Have A Sweet Soulful Sunday Lovelies! Kisess!!!