Yesterday was father's day and as I got on twitter fawning over my Dad and how I love him....I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that he loves me too. And as I read through sincere appreciation from many who celebrated their fathers, or fathers celebrating FATHER-HOOD. it dampened my soul as it occurred to me that my five year old son may never get a chance to glow with PRIDE over his. Not because his father is dead nor because he his the illegitimate spurn of a SECRET romance...but simply because his father didn't give a FUCK. And I suddenly realised that I'm partly to blame. I covered him up many a times, kept quiet about the details, brushed off his irresponsibility and acted like the good virtuous woman even when I was burning with clear FURY. I didn't bring in the law...Didn't hold him accountable...I just Let him be....so as long as I did my own part and made sure my child never suffers.
But as I gleefully received messages from a few close friends wishing ME a Happy Father's Day, It dawned on me that none of these was right. That I was simply enabling one man to go and destroy the life of a little boy he'd never even showed love...and honestly I have no THOUGHTS for what could ever possess a man to abandon his own flesh and blood. If this weren't happening to me, I would never be able to RATIONALISE any good reason, for why any man should abandon his child. I mean I've got male friends some of who can't even stand the mother of their kids (for reasons best known to them) Still they do the needful for the child. So I'm thinking, do we need to compromise our CONVICTIONS to be compassionate about what's wrong? I really need to RANT and RAVE...Which is why I have decided to write him a completely NAKED letter...
My Dear Absent Baby-Daddy,
How are you doing? Yesterday was Father's day, how did you CELEBRATE? Did you write a post on Instagram or Facebook about how lucky or PROUD you are to be a Dad? Did your children call you to tell you how AMAZING a father you have been to them? Did your new wife gush about you? I'm just curious Omar....
I'm sure you are wondering why I'm writing you this open Letter? Especially since I've been very civil, and somewhat PRIVATE about you and your character disorders. Truth be told, I kind of wonder how your new family copes. I wonder how possible it is that your sisters can't tell you the TRUTH. Then again, you could never stand the truth because you lived your life in a big FAT BUBBLE of LIES. I guess that's what a career of role playing does to one. You can't tell yourself the truth. We keep acting out scripts. Well, I sort of wonder how you sleep at night. I wonder how a man can be 45 minutes away by air and refuse to see his own son. A son loved by so many, born under your wings....born into your arms on your own BIRTHDAY. A day you swore before God would come.
A child you haven't seen since he was 6 months old. Since he left the one room we shared in your sisters apartment (not that it mattered). A child who didn't CARE that he didn't have a stable home, even when you were in his life. A child who didn't mind that he was jumping from place to place nor didn't mind the number of times you assaulted his mother Verbally, Emotionally and Physically because he was too young to defend her....too young to interprete or even understand why I screamed on top of my voice. A child who did you absolutely no WRONG. Yet, you never picked up the bloody phone once to CALL, not even to check up on him. Not to find out if he's healthy, not to find out if he eats or what he needs....not to wish him HAPPY BIRTHDAY even when he shares the same birthday with you....and though the entire world never forget to celebrate him or wish him well (not excluding your first ex wife and her beautiful kids). So Imagine that your EX always remembers to ask after him, her kids (his sisters) call him every birthday, Yet you the father never call, not to even wish him a happy children's day nor send your love to him nor do you even parcel the cheapest gift for him. And that's your son....your FIRST son. What a Fantastic Beat-Down-Irresponsible father you are. (But hey, it's all good. Your son is doing well. Actually way better than he could have been under your care. I'm grateful, God has been faithful, walking with us and holding our hands) And I do not despair neither do I FEAR.
Why am I writing you? Well I realised how lucky I was yesterday. I'm in my 30's and I still get to GUSH about my own father to whoever cares to listen. A man who is by no means perfect (Oh we have our disagreements...tell me who doesn't), but somehow hasn't run away from instilling his VALUES and loving the imperfect me, just the way I am. It reminded me of how LUCKY I am to have my own father present in my life even as a grown woman....and yet my 5 year old never gets to experience such because I failed him, by choosing the most irresponsible, self conceited man to donate his sperm. (Oh my, was that HARSH? I'm sorry, but how do you think it has been having my son live like his father is dead. Are you happy that he calls his Grand-Pa "Daddy" because that's how I refer to my dad. Exactly???)
It's been how long since I saw you, Omar? 4 Years, 7 months and counting... Why am I keeping scores? Oh hunnie, its not because I give a hoot about your life. I'm sure you can see that I have moved on...and moved UP. I'm only counting, because it was the last time my pretty boy saw his father. You waved at him and kissed the little baby boy goodbye at the Ghana airport, promising to come back the next week. And that was it. BAM!!! You kissed him and kicked him "Good-Bye" out of your life. Like he would somehow refuse you to THRIVE. What is your excuse? What is your story this time? Why do you think it makes sense that there's some valid explanation for why I'm sharing the burden alone? Is the problem money? Is the problem time? Am I the Devil? Oh you probably don't have a working phone? Don't you travel? Don't you work? Or is this boy simply not yours? What is it? Pray talk!!! I'm listening...I will leave out the drama, the lies, the stories et all, because this post right here isn't even about you or about me or even about why things didn't work....But about your child...one you claimed you so desperately wanted (even when some of my family members suggested we could plan for a child another time as it would affect my budding career). I was almost tempted by the idea to take it out....Almost...but somehow, you put your foot down saying you wanted him and 6 months later you scrammed. Okay, technically I walked...Had it been that you were there for your other children, I would have thought that I was the problem....but then again. We all can stop being husbands and wives....boyfriends and girlfriends....but we can never stop being PARENTS to our children.
I write this post for all the people who think my life is PERFECT. Those who think my son looks so healthy good because his father does his bit. In their minds you take some credit. How do I tell them in 4years plus that I only received money twice ($580 in 2011) and (#23,000 in November 2013) just a few weeks to your secret wedding (money you told your family was my pay off). Are you shitting me? How do you pay off your wife/child by sending them #23,000...as in Naira? Money less than $200. Hahahah. This clown!!! Is that money for all the diapers, baby food, clothes, hospital bills, toys, hair cuts, school fees, electricity bills or rent I've spent in the last 4 years plus....Or the ones I still have to PAY for the rest of my life???? You are a Joker mehn! And I haven't stopped laughing at the silly lies and stories you come up with to make yourself look clean. You are alive and your son can't remember what you look like, doesn't know what you sound like...Then again, it is 'destructive' men like you that BREAK women into crumbs while spitting out children who grow up ALONE without direction, so they become emotional and psychological MENACE to society. But I console myself with the thoughts that my son will never end up like that...He will never end up like you....I refuse the STIGMA with great HOPE. That he will eventually have a good Dad someday, a strong responsible man that will love him, teach him and guide him...one who will never be ashamed of him and will benefit exclusively from the SUCCESS he will become (because a father might be the one who donates the sperm but a Dad is the one who raises a child). That he will grow up a LOVING, ATTENTIVE, INDEPENDENT and SECURE man. That he will understand the joys of handling RESPONSIBILITY and grow the balls to exist in TRUTH. That is my life's mission. Nothing could be more important than the LEGACY I live for my kid. That he grows up proud to learn his mother was a STRONG dogged fighter, not afraid to stand where others feared to thread...someone who 'influenced' society positively with her gifts. And I dare anyone to MOCK him with all of these.
And though TRUTH may be stranger than FICTION, I'm publicly asking you for two things....
#1) Can we finally get that Divorce? Geez, I've been asking you to do this for years. Or have you forgotten that we are still legally married? (Despite being separated for years. Hope you do know it's a criminal offence under the law. And your one year old marriage is INVALID until you terminate your previous one) C'mon Dude, do you honestly want your 'new wife' to be tainted by the woes of a BIGAMIST) And I certainly do not want that for the amazing man who will eventually come into my life to stay. I bet she doesn't know the truth...that her husband is still married....or does she? Then again, every water finds it's own level abi?
#2) How do I refund your #23,000 Pay off. I think that's equivalent to $115 if I'm right. Lol. Trust me, my son doesn't need to think he's WORTH that little. Hahahah. I can live with anything else but the MERE thought , that I somehow bought off your CONSCIENCE....and sold off his birthright for a month of porridge.
I hear some people say that single mothers shouldn't be celebrated on Father's Day. Oh well, it won't have to be so....If only the Father's will stand up and be the SUPPORT that these women need. Some might even say I probably shouldn't be writing this....I'm seeking ATTENTION...I love DRAMA...but Damn, I have been quiet for far too long. Do they know how hard it is to walk in my shoes? Like 4 years is not enough time for you to analyse your life and make AMENDS for all the wrongs you have done to not just me but others. How do you even glorify God, when you don't even appreciate the child many will do anything to get. Unfortunately 'selfish' people don't realise "Marriage" shouldn't be the only thing that connects you to your blood. You don't have to be with me to show your son love. That's a bond that should even be more important than all others. For spouses may come...and spouses may go. But children have nowhere else they GO.
So to all the Single Mothers who have to STRUGGLE to raise their kids despite the absence of "Unavailable Dads". Look at me, I know your pain. I have cried so many nights....It affected my character, broke my spirit and almost ruined my budding career. I lost jobs, gained weight, broke my friendships, and despite me being silent...The talks behind my back were endless. I was not there to defend myself...to stand up up for my son...or scream it loud to the world. I simply ENDURED I even fell into subtle depression....but guess what, in all of these....I drew STRENGTH and I found a PRESENCE of MIND . I even connected to a deeper sense of PURPOSE. And somehow I tapped into that pain, to strip myself NAKED from all the experience, the infinite JOY I now express to the world. And truth be told, who would I be without these lessons?!
It may look TOUGH or daunting. You may feel alone and not know where the next meal will come from. Sometimes, it may not even be about the money. Perhaps the psychological and emotional PRESSURE of doing everything by yourself. Sometimes you are high and sometimes you are LOW. You want a break but you can't stop the SHOW....because tiny feet needs to eat o. You may get so frustrated you even want to take your own life, end it all, probably do something to shake things up....Trust me, I know...I know SOCIETY blames women for everything wrong. If you don't get married it's your FAULT. If you do and it breaks up...oh well, it's still your FAULT. If your husband cheats, why couldn't you keep his PENIS away from the SLUTS. If he abandons you or his Kids, Bang! Bang! That's evidence you probably did something SUPER wrong. Don't FALL, just prove them WRONG. And show them that somehow.... somehow, you can truly do it ALL.
I am a living example of that TRUTH. The truth that we are stronger than we actually give ourselves CREDIT for.
P.S: To steal a tweet from the famous Tyra Banks - "To All the Absent Daddy's out there, Call your Children Today. Tell them you're going to try Harder to be there for them. And really mean it."
In the end, nothing you ever achieve in life can be GREATER than the characters of the children you have molded with your consistent LOVE. Selah!
P.S: Don't forget to pre-order a Specially Autographed copy of my soon-to-be-released book THE NAKED EXPERIENCE at The ALEX OKOROJI ONINE STORE. Feel free to also join the tweet party for @Hairvoluntionmag LIVE #HairForum on Twitter, I'm being hosted on the live forum. Follow me (@AlexOkoroji). Its going to be great CONVERSATION about the 'Hair Side Of Life"... Tomorrow, Tuesday 23, 2015. 5pm (WAT). Meanwhile 90 Spots Left To Go....Have You Registered For My Free Live Online Conference/Webinar on Saturday July 4, 2015 tagged THE NAKED CHALLENGE 101; From Idealist to Realist..." (It only takes 2 minutes to sign up). To participate and become one of the privileged attendees to receive my TBT techniques/The Naked Challenge Electronic Workbook on how I found my purpose and started re-building my personal BRAND from scratch. My Webinar will empower you to shake up your brand and chase your purpose in truth. I would love to see you there.
You can REGISTER @ my Official Site HERE
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