Monday, 15 June 2015

FEATURE: Toke Makinwa....Now, Where Is Your Heart Hunnie?


When I first stumbled on Toke Makinwa's MARITAL drama trending on social media. I felt EMPATHY I mean she's only been married 18 months...but I couldn't really be bothered about lending my VOICE to someone's private woes. Wasn't mine even shorter? Hey, we are all battling our own devils and trust me, my BATTLE might even be fiercer....but then a few LOYAL ABC Talk-Bugs had sent me emails and they wanted to know my thoughts. Since, I keep an OPEN mind, I'm really not one to pass JUDGEMENTS on either parties, that being said, I'll keep my thoughts as real as always. First things first....this is a real sensitive issue about REAL life people and I honestly believe her marriage needs to be respected, both by her voltron defendants and the other group...the vengeful clique of HATERS....Lol. I also think it should not have any effect or water down the validity of the brilliant ADVICE she gives on her video blogs. Don't we all know it's easier to solve other people's problems than it is to resolve ours...Besides, we all are not going to live long enough to experience everything ourselves....making deductions, assumptions and theories based on other people's experience is a good enough TEMPLATE for coaching....plus it's all hypothesis until something happens and totally changes our beliefs.


I have read a lot of the comments and opinions about what could have transpired. I will start by saying that the concept of marriage is way more COMPLEX than our fickle minds can fathom....and if you haven't experienced one in the public eye. You have no idea what the people who keep one go through....I've been there, done that and I know how difficult it is to live in the spotlight, with all of your mistakes and imperfections under constant SCRUTINY, yet wanting the things everyday people want whilst chasing and building a CAREER. And whilst I'm not exactly smitten by Toke....I mean, I have never met her one on one and I have no real basis for deciphering the kind of WOMAN she is.... Still I have respect for any woman who works hard to improve her brand. In this day and age....with the harsh economic issues. A woman needs to be a QUEEN BITCH. She must work hard and earn hard to support her man and her family, no matter how much he earns. And for the sake of other women who are going through similar situations who may not experience nationwide EMPATHY....These are truly my thoughts...


1) Its Not Her Fault: (At least not the part where he cheats on her)



I've read lots of tweets and comments mocking Toke, berating her and blaming her for the break down of her marriage....Some NEGATIVE minds claim that her seeking career advancement, her need to grow and her constant ABSENCE is somewhat responsible for the decision of her husband to cheat on her. But why???....The mind is like a parachute....it only works when open. Dammit!!! I'm almost TEMPTED to find these people and give them a good smacking with my most expensive 8 inches of hard stillethos. Whaat??? Bloody hell!!! Since when is it a valid excuse for any man or woman to CHEAT on their spouse because they are busy? Dang!! I agree that it takes two available people for a marriage to work....but I can almost bet my perky left breast that this relationship had its red flags from before 1960 (like most relationships anyway). Still, no matter how complex, difficult, complicated a person is. They are in no way responsible for the actions of a cheating partner. Do not even BLAME yourself. They had a choice...and they chose to stray. Let's call a DOG it's name....(And oh, I'm not referring to Maje o...before the association of cheating husbands descend on me. Hahahah. Okay Seriously, I can't be too judgemental simply because I do not know what in heaven's sake may have compelled him to be rather unfair to his wife). Still, I know so many people who are in relationships with very busy people and are completely loyal. I also know a few people who can't put up with their partners busy schedule and have put out crazy ultimatums....one way or another, they are forced to leave the relationship with good reason...yet without disrespecting, humiliating or publicly embarrassing their spouses.


2) Its Deeper Than Just Sex



If you didn't know these....well, it's pretty obvious, it's way deeper than sex. The woman with which her HUSBAND cheated with....or was cheating with...wasn't exactly a one NIGHT stand, a jump off or a mere groupie. She wasn't a mistake or a side chick as many might want to assume. She is an integral part of Maje's life...And now that's the COMPLICATION of love versus marriage. I keep asking people if they are in love or simply in love with the idea of being in love. Now, I would know right?....Remember, I myself once married a man I so badly wanted to love but didn't....whilst I was still CRAZY in love with someone else from my past. Could it be the same circumstance? The Anita lady, obviously is someone, Maje has unfinished, unresolved attachments or emotions to...and let's be honest, most married women move on from their exes faster than men do...Whilst lots of men still reminisce, fantasize or have unresolved EMOTIONS linking them to exes, they either have refused to let go or can not see themselves letting go. (Yes, I have been there as well....stuck a few times in a relationship with men who were still SECRETLY in love with their exes or secretly flirting with them...) And so this extramarital relationship seems pretty much one of those liason where Maje feels he can have the best of both worlds. A celebrity wife who fits his image and a lover on the side after his very own heart (not that I can pretend to know what goes on, in his head though ) This is just my own theory....based on all the many speculations. Now why didn't he use a CONDOM...Hahahah. I asked myself the same thing...Except, even if he had...a  BABY would have still miraculously made it to the mix. What a girl wants, she gets. Welcome to the real world. Do you really expect him to use protection with a woman he dated for 8 years or so every single time? It only takes a quick one off for Mr Spermatozoa to swim sharply near the ovaries. Gbam!!! And let's be honest, Anita might be working her way for something Toke doesn't have. Toke may have the ring...but the other woman clearly wants his HEART. 8 years is a bloody long time for a woman to invest in a man, and she may have been looking to consolidate on what they have...and she's a woman he has pretty much done everything with and built an intimacy as deep as what he has with his wife, if not deeper....(mehn, that's why I said relationships are so damned complex. Kai!!)


3) Not Every Marriage is Ordained By God



Ha! This one is a no brainer. I have said it and repeated it too many times. We most times choose a partner for ourselves that God may never have chosen for us, if we listened. (I'm not trying to go all religious...but even if you don't believe in God or his ability to speak to us about our most innermost desires....There's still a tiny voice called INSTINCTS...that's a voice I have personally learned to listen to in the last 5 years. Our instincts have a way of pre-warning us...and most times we suppress that voice because our desires echo louder than our voice of reasoning. Sometimes we even confuse it as FEAR. Just because some people are in our present, doesn't necessarily mean we should take them into our future. Too many of us have ended up with the WRONG people in the name of marriage because we are impatient or because we are ready to settle for less than we deserve...and by so doing SUFFER in silence while we forgo our long term happiness. The Toke/Maje union might be another case of such marriage. Remember, I was once married to a famous Ghanaian Actor. And even though I refused to accept it then. The signs were there all along. I knew I was riding this beautiful BENTLEY with 3 flat tyres that was definitely taking me nowhere. And what did I do....I rode it that way until it came to a final stop and I could go no more.


4) Separation isn't Always A Bad Option



Okay, before you all jump on me and start telling me that I'm advising Toke to leave her marriage because I did same....Well, it takes courage to decide BULLSHIT isn't your favourite thing and take a walk. Too many phony people pretending they are happy with their marriage. And misleading other people to believing everything goes back to NORMAL. Oh Puhleaseeee.... that's not true, and oh! I'm not championing divorce, I actually believe couples need to show tolerance, FORGIVENESS and commitment in a relationship. That being said, you fight for a relationship that's worth fighting for... I think having dated him for 12 years, Toke has shown the world she can be committed to a relationship....she need not sour her long term HAPPINESS just to please society. I don't think she should care about haters, prejudices or judgement. She should put her happiness first. If she can forgive him and live with the possibility that her husband is having a love CHILD by another woman he might actually love more than he loves her....Good, she should stay. If she can't....she should bolt right away. I honestly can't see what's keeping her. Well, even if she had an entire football team of children. RESPECT is everything. If your man doesn't respect the relationship you both share...Good riddance abeg...Let him be with the one, he loves...or wants. She has nothing tieing her down sef. And I think she will be far more happier, focusing on building her career without the added GUILT trip of keeping up appearances and managing a failing marriage.... And I use the word "failing" very lightly because it may just be a HURDLE to create a rather successful marriage in the long term (though I honestly doubt it) The issues at play are quite deep. And let's be realistic. There's always gonna be this child linking her husband to his ex/ now-almost-baby-mama. I don't even want to think of the level of INSECURITY this will give even the most confident woman...Imagine, having to sneak behind your hubby wondering if he's texting her again. If he made love to her when he visited the baby or why he's JEALOUS she wants to start dating other men. Trust me, I've been there. And I became the most insecure woman during that relationship, just knowing that no matter what I did right, someone else out there had a hold on my man. Toke doesn't need this headache. No woman needs it. Even the bible sites grounds of infidelity as a moral ground to get a DIVORCE. Let's be honest. Men might say sex is just SEX....and it's not a big deal. And that might be true in some cases, but when you truly love someone. You don't want to hurt them and you are not willing to RISK or jeopardise that relationship for anything else. When you love someone, they come first. You SACRIFICE every other distraction or temporary satisfaction because love HEALS, it doesn't break...And love itself takes deep COURAGE.


5) Don't Blame The Third Party



Alright I'm not giving the honeycombs and jump-offs a pass. I'm not excusing the role they get to PLAY in the phase of an AFFAIR. But let's be real here. Even though I have never seen the sense in taking what belongs to another. (I mean, Why would I want another woman's man? When I can have one all to myself...eerr...well) Still, I know that no woman or man can steal your spouse without their own CONSENT. Which makes every person responsible for their own LUST and honestly speaking, a woman's business is simply with her cheating partner and not the woman he fools around with. Especially if the third party is available and has their own end FREE and open. The one who should be blamed is the one who is supposed to be loyal to his commitments. And as far as I am concerned, the free single woman is only loyal to her heart or her needs depending on her reason for messing with a married man in the first place. In this case free the ex/baby mama. She'a a SINGLE woman who wants Maje. The heart wants what it wants. That's not wrong. Maje on the other hand should have stayed loyal to his commitments to his wife, Toke. And since he didn't....I honestly believe he chose Anita over Toke (sad as it may seem or wrong as I may be) The consequences of that choice is evident.


6) She Will Grow From This Experience



When my marriage didn't work out. I disappointed a lot of people that were rooting for it to work. Family and friends alike....but look at me now. Wiser, More mature and Happier. Toke isn't the first, neither will she be the last to experience such heartache. And it needs to be known that thousands of everyday women experience such PAIN from men they love. This is simply muse for more amazing content for her video blogs, I swear. She should lap on the experience and embrace the truth of her reality especially if it isnt working. I also think it will be rather unfair to judge the other woman too harshly, (not because I support her cheating with another woman's husband...by the way, those facebook photos though) but the NAKED TRUTH is that so many people, such of who get married for all myriads of REASONS other than LOVE, see a marriage certificate as nothing but just a damned bloody piece of paper. The only thing that sincerely holds true, is how much or less VALUE people have for their marital vows or the person they marry or get entangled with. I also know that the status of either being "Single, Married or in a Relationship" doesn't even matter....The only status that matters is where the HEART is...So in all of these...I ask all three of them, where is thy heart???


Toke will have to DECIDE where her heart is....whether its stuck with her husband or in a future that doesn't include him. We women are stronger than we actually give ourselves credit. This too will pass. Let's continue to support Toke with love, prayers and encouragement. She will have to make a defining choice about her relationship. Whichever way, we must remember she's HUMAN and we must respect her choices however it sways, because Relationships are tough to maintain. Only those who know how to NURTURE them are truly the happiest. Or what do you think Lovelies?


P.S: Only 120 Spots Left To Go....Have You Registered For My Free Live Online Conference/Webinar on Saturday July 4, 2015 tagged THE NAKED CHALLENGE 101; From Idealist to Realist..." (It only takes 2 minutes to sign up). To participate and become one of the privileged attendees to receive my TBT techniques/The Naked Challenge Electronic Workbook on how I found my purpose and started re-building my personal BRAND from scratch. My Webinar will empower you to shake up your brand and chase your purpose in truth. I would love to see you there.


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