I am such a big follower of your naked talks, and I like how your topics address real life issues with a certain realness that is difficult to come by and honestly admirable. I also read your blogs from time to time when I can. I have a problem and I was hoping you could help me a little. I have been dating my man for 3 years now and he says he loves me whenever we are together but I feel like he's lying because when we are out and we bump into a friend or cousin he introduces me as his friend. If I call, he will send a text that he's busy and will call me back, but won't call back until days later of which I'm the one who still calls. Then whenever I want to take selfies with him to post our pictures on instagram or facebook he fights with me about it. That he's a private person and doesn't need the whole world involved in our relationship. What do I do? I'm not happy. I love him so much, but his attitude depresses me. I don't even know if he loves me because of the way he behaves. Please I really need your help. I am tired of feeling this way.
First of all, thank you so much for following my radio show and actively following the blog as well and contributing your comments. I appreciate it and I find your interaction extremely valuable. Let me start by saying your boyfriend is a JERK (Just Emotionally Reckless) . I know how you feel....because I have been there playing the Back Pocket Girl aka The Booty Call and I know so many women who have been there at one point or another with a man who had no genuine intentions of loving them or committing to them.
Now it's funny how our INTUITION tells us something or someone is right....or something or someone is wrong for us and we ignore that powerful still voice of reasoning feeding us some WISDOM. I have learned to listen and trust my intuition better because it is rarely wrong. And it's simply our subconscious looking out for us.
From your email, you already have the answers you need....I think you even know the TRUTH but you are unwilling to accept it because you are hoping someone else will tell you otherwise.... perhaps give you a theory for why all of that foolishness is some MYSTICAL sign of real love waiting to unveil. I KNOW again because I have been you....constantly making excuses and analysing why I really could be wrong in my assessment of the kind of relationships I had developed with Emotionally Unavailable Men. I played his actions....side by side his words....then his so called feelings side by side mine. And guess what? ACTION speaks louder than words. How a person feels about you is clearly evident in how they treat you. Words may lie....
LOVE itself doesn't lie... neither does it HIDE. It is evident for the world to see for love is the TRUTH even when you deny it. Love will EXPOSE you. I remember being with a man I was committed to, for years.... will spend the night at his, maybe even make love in the morning and a few hours later, the same day he will introduce me as his 'FRIEND' and this happened for years. It broke me...yet I would make up excuses in my head, for why it was okay. I questioned myself...put in so much more effort in trying to win him....and despite the fact that so many people thought we were a good fit and looked great together. It NEVER changed a thing because he was simply too hardened to care....what I would call 'Emotionally Reckless'.
I can look back now and laugh at how SILLY I was to have given him more than he deserved. But that's what love is right?....people who get our love usually need not do anything SPECIAL to earn it.
Anyway, here are a few signs that the man you are involved with clearly doesn't love you...
#1. He Doesn't Create Time For You .
Does he spend time with you? Create time for you? Or is he busy prioritising other things, perhaps other people because he believes those things are more important, or assumes you UNDERSTAND and you'll always be there whenever he can squeeze in a minute for you. Even the busiest business mogul finds a few minutes a day to squeeze in a quick check-in on the woman he loves.
When you are with him, do you start feeling like time is not on your side because you have to leave soon. He's expecting other visitors, he needs to get back to work or watch some football alone with the boys. That’s your intuition talking. Listen to it. If it seems he never has anytime for you, take a look-see. One thing that will always remain true is that a man will always make time for the things or people that are important to him, especially the love of his life.
#2. He’s Always Asking You To Contribute On Everything Or You Even Make The Bigger Sacrifice.
It’s nice for a man to have a woman who can chip in to help from time to time or even go all out to make him comfortable. But wait, does he make you travel all the way to come see him EVERY TIME? Like he never comes to yours...you always have to go to his. Even if you don't live by yourself or have your own space. Most men who care will drive all the way to pick up his lady love (even if she has a car and can drive herself) it's a sign he's willing to show that she's his responsibility and he will be ready to pick her up and drop her back when needed.
Or does he make you foot the bills when you are out. And maybe you are even capable of footing the bill. However, if he insists that everything is always even, including your dinner dates, and that you get this one and he gets the next one and it goes back and forth, he’s definitely not in love with you. I once went out on a supposed date with a friend who had been begging to take me out to DINNER. We agreed on where and when. I drove up to a nice really affordable restaurant. He met me up there....I had placed an order for meals and by the time he got there, he started complaining that I was a much better cook than the chef at the restaurant. Hahahah. My home made food was the best cooking he had ever tasted. Bla bla bla (Yea! Lots of my friends say that. Nothing new there....Take it from a fantastic cook....the food there was absolutely DELICIOUS....But I suspected what was about to happen. When the waiter brought the bill. He claimed he didn't have enough cash on him...and his ATM card seemed to be having issues. I paid the bill....#15,000 that's about a $100 at the time...(And yes, that's the last time he ever saw me).
A real man with PRIDE would never allow that. I said 'pride' not EGO.
#3. He Publicly Declares That You Are Just FRIENDS
If you’ve been dating for a while, say more than 6 months (and you are both not in other relationships) say he's married and you are engaged or you are both engaged to other people...(Meanwhile, that's crazy by the way) and he continues to refer to you in public as his “friend,” ....accept the TRUTH he’s not in love with you. Even if he were your friend, he wouldn’t lead you on like that. Who does that to their friends? Take advantage of them and throw them out in the cold. Do you sleep with all your friends? Does he sleep with all his friends? IDIOT!!! If he says you are just friends, well...believe him. That’s what you are. It's a subtle way of telling you not to expect more out of him. Do not have any EXPECTATIONS and jump off the booty ride.
#4. He Often Ignores Your Phone Calls and Doesn’t Call Back.
There is a difference between a man who creates time for you and one who's only there half the time...or never even there without prodding. The most precious gift we can offer someone is our presence. Building relationships is about relating and interacting...that's why it's called RELAT-ionship and it isn't if he hardly finds the need to embrace you with mindfulness and only chooses to relate with you when he needs a little ass. You may have hope, but deep down in your heart, you know that his love is not true... especially If he’s ignoring your calls, then that's a sign that he’s just not that into you. If a man CARES about you, he wants to talk to you. He wants to know that you are okay...or know what you need because you are important to him. He doesn't want distance to come between...and you shouldn't ever need an EXCUSE to stay in contact with him. The moment you need a reason to call your man, or the moment he stops responding or doesn't remember to. It simply means you are not on his mind. So tell me, who forgets the people they love??? Aha!
#5. MIA on his Social Media
Is he active on social media? Posting comments, links and photos of himself and other people, yet there are no signs of you anywhere on any of his social media pages, no photos of you on Facebook, no mentions of you on Twitter and not one good photo of you on his Instagram – it could mean he isn’t ready to publicly declare his interest in or even his connection to you. Remember there is a difference between being PRIVATE and being a SECRET. A private person 'publicly' acknowledges your existence, but chooses to keep intimate details of your relationship away from the general public. Not acknowledging you shows you are a big secret. Frankly, though, he doesn’t take pride in you. Regardless of what anyone says, real love can’t help but be publicly professed. When Chris Attoh started dating Damilola Adegbite, did he hide it? Did Ashton Kutcher hide when he started dating Mila Kunis? So why would your so-called man hide you? Err...Why? Ehen!! You can do the maths.
I know you want me to tell you what to do. And whilst I can't tell you whether to leave him or stay, because this is a decision you will have to make for yourself. I'll be HONEST in letting you know that loving someone who doesn't love you back is like hugging a CACTUS, the longer you hold on the more you hurt. you won't get any farther ahead with a man who doesn't prioritize your relationship and treats you like CRAP. I certainly won't stay after all the things I know now. I also learned the HARD way that you can't make someone fall in love with you....no matter what you do or how great a woman you are...If a man doesn't understand a woman's PURPOSE in his life, he will never APPRECIATE her. Your VALUE is something he will have to recognise for himself, by himself and make a conscious EFFORT to 'win' you. I've been through this and I only ended up getting hurt some more, hoping things will CHANGE. You'll have to move on for your own sanity, build your self esteem, and PREPARE yourself for someone BETTER who will love you as much as you love him.
I hope this post helps you in some way to come to terms with REALITY. Do let me know what you decide and how things go, moving forward. Xoxo.
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