So my HOTTIE of a friend BB, sent me a message out of the blues.... "I want you Alex"... (By out of the blues, he does a regular POP up once every 8 months.... okay, I'm exaggerating just a little bit. But you get my drift) Those guys who show you all the AMAZING sign that they have 'a thing' for you....I call it a thing because there really isn't a name for it, as they have failed to describe in EXACT words, a name for the rather ambiguous FEELING. So I reply with a smiley...I'm laughing of course....because I see it's some cheeky response to my BBM Update "...And I want you to want me too..." which I had written 3 hours before...I also forgot to include the music smiley as it was a line from one of my favourite songs of all times. But then, I bet all the presumptuous minds are thinking this NAUGHTY soul wants to get laid.... aptly ILLUSTRATED by his retort... "I'm serious Alex. I want you from behind NOW...In slow circular motion"...what??? Just like that? Out of the blues...No hello, No, how are you doing? Bia bia, when was the last time you saw me....or spoke with me? So I replied asking him if all his girlfriends were busy or if he had lost their numbers...because he seemed to be confusing me with someone else.
Now let me put this in perspective....Myself and BB did have a brief thing going...nothing to be waving my BRA in the air about, a few knack knacks....twice...okay make that three times, but he certainly was a great DISTRACTION, a nice catch....a brittle skeleton in my closet. Except, I was hoping I could transfer all my feelings from one hard drive to the other. I mean if I found a man taller than Tiger, bigger, with a fuller PENIS who knew how to t'work it somehow, I might remotely CONVINCE myself that I didn't need my off-and-on EX, Tiger in my life...or what was tiger doing for me other than being another out of the blue EU Pop-up....(EU for Emotionally Unavailable). And that's how we women get it all wrong.
Once upon a time, I lay on my back and decided to go for a CASUAL relationship in the hope that they’d get to know me without ‘pressure’, we’d have a good time, and then they would basically DISCOVER what an amazing woman I am... and be unable to SURVIVE without me because somewhere between random texts, midnight phone calls, last minute invitations, the ambiguity, and sometimes the requests to take part in SHADY 'sexcapades' or even having to silently compete with other women in the cue, they would fall madly in LOVE with me. ? Haaa!! Wrong!!!
If you’re the type that really values sex, makes assumptions about what you think is likely to happen as a result of a sexual liaison, or in fact make the dangerous assumption that a sexual connection is an EMOTIONAL connection which will lead to a love connection... bia, that casual SEX trap is waiting to grip you tight in the jaws.
And I'm not saying it’s ‘wrong’ to have sex on the first date or whether you should ‘hold out’ using Steve Harvey's 90 day rule or develop some tight COBWEBS in your panties, whilst you are waiting around for someone really SPECIAL before you get down and free his willy; The real issue with casual relationships is that many people use sex as some sort of CURRENCY that they can cash in for a relationship. And oh lord, I've been GUILTY of that.
Sex without the love, care, trust, respect and loyalty that goes with every MUTUAL relationship, is pretty much just plain ole sex o jare. And it doesn't matter what they say when they get an itch or while his DICK is stuck inside your pom-pom. It took me 8 bloody years to figure that out. Dang! When you allow someone to treat you like you are "dial-a-fuck.com" or "text-the-whore.com" to arrange a QUICKIE with the ease as ordering their favourite pizza, Mbok! something is definitely wrong.
I hear from women who call me every weekend for #AskAlex Talk Therapy, even a few men who have been in casual SEXUAL arrangements for years! And when I think back at how STUPID I was to be in that sort of arrangement for many years with a single guy...I realise that's just fucked up. When we do anything over a period of time, it becomes a HABIT and we start to have relationship ideals that outpace the true nature of the ‘relationship’ itself.
Hard as it may be to understand, if you allow yourself to be someone’s sexual PLAY thing and you actually want MORE from them, whilst it affects you emotionally... it’s actually like being an unpaid escort. (Alright Tiger, you owe me some pension) Hehehe.
Yeah you might get some FRILLS around it like small gifts, lunch, dinner, weekend getaways, or being wheeled to some random social event, but really, that’s just so they can be assured of your consent to keep getting the sex they need...and you of course will be carried away by the GIFTS, lunch date or whatever freaking trips they pull, until it wears off and you realise that you’ve been literally ‘SCREWED’.
Okay, I'm not saying you should request for CASH to be left in your fanny pack, but when you recognise that you’re an unpaid escort, instead of feeling outraged and then committing yourself to a life-long task of getting them to see that you’re worth more than an easy lay, you should be mad and flush them out of your life for GOOD.
And let’s be real – they’re not that SPECIAL anyway. You can buy your own gifts, dinner, and have some company without having to cough up the sex. Abeg, you’re not that DESPERATE. And even if you are...let it be on your OWN terms.
Because – it really doesn’t matter when or who you have sex with; what matters is how blinded you are by it, what CRAZY 'assumptions' you make, and whether you even bother to CONNECT with them on a deeper level, get to know who they really are, what their goals or ideals are before the they get to EXPLORE your vagina or DICK anyway.
When someone can get what they see as their needs being met, whether it’s sexual, attention, AFFECTION, or whatever, and they don’t even have to WORK up a committed relationship or some love, care, trust, respect and the landmarks to go with it, let me assure you that they’re not going to have an attack of conscience one day and say “Right Alex, you’ve given me sex on 109 occasions, responded to my texts within 3 minutes on 90% of the time and have shown me LOYALTY while enjoying the pleasure of my company, so I now grant thee a fully committed relationship.” Hahahah. Oh puhleaseee!!!
See, I learned that sex is not a currency that you can NEGOTIATE a relationship out of. Once you start out a booty call or allow yourself to be reduced to a booty call...you remain a booty call all the way...And it don't matter that you can cook up a storm, clean, have a heart of gold or a have a clear map on how to chase about your life goals. They will never get it.
It’s also safe to say that no intelligent person in their right minds, evaluates the POTENTIAL for a relationship on how well you screw them (okay, there are some really dumb people though), because VAGINAS and penises actually give no indication of what someone’s qualities, characteristics, and VALUES are…and whether they align with yours. Especially since most of those who initiate casual sex are usually emotionally UNAVAILABLE who are really not seeking to connect in any meaningful way. (And boy do I know a few).
A person should treat you as a worthwhile individual deserving of love, care, trust, and RESPECT – not assume a LOW expectation of your values to get you down on your back. More importantly, you first should know your value and LIVE it.
If you’re enjoying being a booty call and want nothing more – fire on. I certainly wouldn’t continue if I'm experiencing any disrespect.
From the moment you start trying to convince them of your WORTH or convince them to imagine a relationship with you, it’s time to pull up your pants and get off– you deserve better than putting yourself out there for someone to take a cheap RIDE.
So back to BB. I told him straight up..."As much as I like you and as much as I'm a spontaneous woman...I still like to be treated with a bit of respect. I'm really not available to be any man's fuck 'option' whenever they are bored or feeling mischievous.". So of course he got the gist and apologised and we are cool now....But you know what, he can pull up his pants, zip up and throw the locks... I am not a booty call and he's never getting any from this P****. Ahem!!!
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