I recently re-connected with a good friend of mine, and once I got off filming on set, he was top of my MIND....and so during our catch up conversation on Skype, he asked who I was dating now....
I told him straight up that I wasn't dating anyone and he asked me why? Somewhere between trying to articulate my REASON for being single whilst sounding nonchalant. I told him that in the journey to find myself, I have discovered a lot about who I am, what I want, what I need to do. What I can TOLERATE, what I can't....and certainly that I do not need to be involved with someone to feel complete nor do I need the emotional approval of another person to VALIDATE my existence. Until, I find someone who understands the REAL me and accepts my sometimes idiosyncratic self. SINGLE is the place to be.
What I failed to mention though was that I have had my fair share of dating the WRONG men...oh I don't mean 'wrong' for being IMPERFECT...but wrong for being closed off... the unavailable kind...and right now, if sex is the only thing a man has to offer me, he can very well keep his six inches of precious meat in his PANTS. And so it should be for any man, who thinks SEX is the only thing Alex has got to offer him too ....in fact he needs to get a brain check.
But unfortunately that is the world we live in....we always want less than we deserve....and we set off to ESTABLISH relationships with people who clearly have nothing to offer us really. I would know right, considering I invested 8 years of my life pinning for a LOVE that couldn't be....A love that 'shouldn't' be.... And somehow thinking I was the problem. Like It had to either be something I wasn't or wasn't doing right. But guess what? I realised that nothing I did or became would change the outcome...because the problem wasn't about changing who I was....but changing who I CHOSE. Knowing fully well that at your absolute BEST you still won't be good enough for the wrong person...At your worst, you'll still be WORTH it to the right person.
If you’ve ever been in a relationship with someone emotionally unavailable, you know the PAIN of not being able to get close to the one you love. They’re evasive, make excuses, or are just inept when it comes to talking about feelings or the relationship. Some use anger, criticism, or activities to create distance. You end up feeling ALONE, depressed, unimportant, or rejected.
So how do you know that you’re involved with a Mr Unavailable – an emotionally – and often spiritually and physically – unavailable man? Well, I provide an overview of the signs and behaviours so that you can use them to EVALUATE your current relationship (or ‘non-relationship) situation.
What I can assure you of is that a man's UNAVAILABILITY isn’t sparked by something you said or did wrong... Mbok!!! In fact, it’s not that they’ve ‘changed’ or that you need to find the right ‘access code’ to get through to them...and oh, you’re definitely not going crazy imagining things, sweetie; Trust me, they’re simply unavailable.
More often than not, the primary issue that women FOCUS on is the emotional unavailability of a man...but there are always physical and spiritual issues that prevail. I mean, think of a man who isn't even available for God or committed to treating others right. Ahem! Yet, Mr Unavailable isn’t always the obvious Bad Boy....In fact he usually has nice qualities, which is what keeps the many women lingering around. And let's be real – most people have ‘nice qualities’ and of course, as humans, we’re very good at rustling up those supposed 'qualities' and seeing only the best in people. This isn’t a bad trait, but what we forget is that somebody’s 'availability' and their ability to COMMIT (Now would be a good time to read "When For Thy Commitment Sake?)... isn’t really about ‘being nice’. It’s about whether they are even humanly CAPABLE of mutual love, care, trust and respect as well as provide the LANDMARKS for a mutually fulfilling relationship such as consistency, balance, and INTIMACY.
The EU Man is the ambiguous, hard to read, attractive guy that floats between Mr Bad Boy and Mr Nice Guy. Mr Unavailable (or as some refer to as EUM – Emotionally Unavailable Man – or EU) with his inability to tap into his own emotions, his LACK of Self-Awareness (something I'm very conscious of) and his mismatched actions versus words, has millions of women investing their time and ENERGY into fruitless liaisons with him.
He has a host of EXCUSES as to why he can’t be as much of a partner as you would like him to be and blames “timing”, and says things like, “If only things were different, you’d be the perfect girlfriend”, Aha! Shoot this guy please....Lol. But Bia, does that explain why he continues to play hide n' seek with your emotions?
Mr Unavailable is very much about the CHASE. He pursues hard, showers you with ATTENTION and lays it on thick with a trowel in order to reel you in, but from the moment that you are HOOKED and things get comfortable, he backs off. Then he horns in again.
All of this behaviour allows him to run things on his terms and play down your expectations – just to maintain control. When you look at the PATTERN of your relationship with him, you will notice, no matter how HOT he blows, he always rolls back to his 'comfort zone'...the COMPLACENT territory, and then you'll start to feel as if you have to go into a 'pleasing overdrive' and then over compensate until you try to end things, in an attempt to shake things up and make him want you that intensely again.
After a while it seems as if he wants to AVOID doing anything that involves him being close to you – think EMOTIONAL intimacy – despite starting off very eagerly when he was pursuing you and unsure that he could WIN you. Did I mention that Mr Unavailable associates the feeling of 'desire' with the feeling of 'uncertainty' and being out of control? Yup! Of course this means that the moment he feels safe, it’s back to blowing lukewarm or freezing cold.
Here Are Just Some of the Signs That You’re With a Mr Unavailable.
If you find one sign, you’ll find many, but often one sign is enough to help you evaluate whether this is the type of relationship that you actually want to be involved in because each and every one of these signs, spell PAIN and looming trouble. So here goes…
#1) He has a girlfriend or is married. (This one is a no brainer right? I mean, he's somewhat committed to another woman by principle, even though he doesn't act like it.)
#2) He’s divorced but using that fact to avoid committing. Ha ha! Smart guy...(Well, I know lots of people who have experienced lots of pain like myself, yet are still looking forward to building better stronger relationships....so please this one no wash)
#3) He’s in a long distance relationship. Err... With someone else. Hehehe... (Yes, you are the one here right now, but doesn't that tell you that he can't be trusted. He's leading one of you on. That he may even like you better isn't a good excuse to act stupid. He's playing games with someone's heart. And e fit be you o...Baby you ain't no chess. Lol.)
#4) You’re in a long distance with him and he has no desire to get closer. (I have said it...relationship is about relating and building intimacy. if there is distance whether physical or mental...it's a deterrent. And let's be honest. Someone geographically closer is taking good care of your man...accept my TRUTH from the vine.)
#5) He’s very reliant on text messages, instant messaging and email for the majority of his contact with you. (Ha! What's the point, if we can't see each other, be with each other, hold each other and look into each other's eyes as often as we want?) Lots of EU men love to text, email, flirt online, hide behind empty words and use these sort of communication tools as barrier to restrict real intimacy. Do you realise he could be texting you and 25 other females? Trust me, it's no big deal if he texts you "I Love You" or "I Want You". Nothing special there.
#6) They’re ambiguous about the status of the relationship. (Ha! Simply ask him who you are to him...Err, he'll probably say "Alex, You are a Special Friend"... or "C'mon Girl, You are My Lady" or "We are spending time with each other"...."Lets see how this goes..." "Time will tell..." Geez! Slam your heels on his head....Oh no! Slam it on your head girl, your brain needs hard resetting.) Is any of these definitive? If he isn't defining things. You should know by now where you stand.
#7) You’re not sure when next you’ll hear from him, even though you’ve been dating him for a while. (Hian! The constant two weeks of no communication or form of contact in between... until you receive a random call after you have mustered some courage to call him first, two hours before.)
#8) You think you’re in a relationship, but it’s closer to a booty call. (He says stuff like ‘If only the timing was different, you’d be the perfect girlfriend;’If only things were different I’d definitely marry you’; "I wish I had met you before my wife"; "I should have waited for you".) Check out these translations or research a bunch of commitment avoidance phrases.
#9) When you try to tackle the status of your relationship or any issues, he either tells you what you want to hear and then returns to his normal behaviour, or he just skirts around the issue. One way or the other, you wind up back at square one.
#10) He lives with his ex. (Ha! Who is fooling who biko?)
#11) He shares a bed with a woman that he claims is just his friend. (Err...there we go again. Do you sleep with all your friends?...Does he? *shaking my head. We'll, I guess that's why they introduced...no strings attached for #friends with benefit.) It's evident he loves the freedom of getting some with no attachments...and yet you think he's available? What a long shot!
#12) He admits that he is dating multiple women continuously. (Is that Ego speaking or some real talk? Whatever it is, it's clear, he wants more than one woman. And that in itself speaks volume. Don't even think you are the one who will change this man.
#13) He’s openly not over his ex. Oh well, I can tell you this for free...This is the worst kind of relationship to be involved in. A EU man who is still in love with his ex and refuses to let go. Need I tell you this is love in a hopeless place? Hehehe.
#14) He says he’s over his ex but he’s quietly still trying to cope with the end of the relationship. Gets angry at the mention of her name or anything that sort of reminds him of her – (yep, he’s not over his ex.)
#15) He often mentions his ex or things that happened between the two of them. They are broken up but her ghost is still intruding your relationship...You are probably even being compared to her...She used to cook like this...Screw like this...Fart and even wink like this? Ah! Are you a learner?
#16) He’s an overt mother lover or mummy’s/mama’s boy. Point in case...you are dealing with an immature man who's incapable of making his own decisions, including determining if he even wants to keep you in his life. Let's be honest. You are also dating his mama.
#17) He’s a mother hater – has an overtly negative relationship with his mother.
#18) He doesn’t call when he’s supposed to or says he would. Ever. (Should I spell it out that you mean nothing much...because you are not a priority?)
#19) He’s one big walking EXCUSE.
#20) He’s abusive and in fact, he’s an assclown. Ass-clowns are unavailable people who are shady, abusive, and have empathy issues.
#21) He still creeps out after sleeping with you even though you’ve been together for a while.
#22) He has a stringent routine that he just won’t deviate from – sometimes a sign that he has someone else. i.e. Must get home at 8pm every night. Is on midnight call for 3 hours every day. He always has to stop by and pick up a particular chocolate or product from the grocery store for an unknown person. Hmm...
#23) He won’t take calls either before or after a certain time – C'mon na...that's often a sign that he’s cheating. Especially if he always has to walk away to speak privately. You share all your secrets with him, yet he feels there are certain conversations he needs to keep from you. What is he hiding?
#24) He doesn’t come around to your place until late. Is there a reason he avoids being seen during the day with you? Guess the monkeys only come out at night. Tsk tsk.
#25) He is resistant to involving himself in your life. Invite him to a family function or event...or even to something personal that means a lot to you...And wait for the excuse. Prepare yourself, he won't show up.
#26) He talks about his problems, his successes, his life – it’s me, me, me all the way. Where are you in all of these? Sorry hunnie, you are not in the picture. This relationship is a bloody selfie!
#27) He determines the momentum of the relationship – you meet up only when he wants to meet up. That's it! Wheww!
#28) He pushes for an ‘open’ relationship. Yes! The moment he insists a third party will spice things up...or your cute best friend should join in for a three-some. Or he'll like to watch his buddy and three other guys screw your ass in his presence. Oh well, there goes a man who isn't as emotionally invested as you think.
#29) He never refers to you as a wife, girlfriend, partner or any form of significant other.
#30) He uses SEX as his only way of demonstrating his so-called ’emotion’.
#31) There are pockets of time when he disappears and then re-surfaces with little or no explanation for why he went M.I.A on you. Constantly blowing hot and cold. Trust me, the distractions are way more intense than his attraction to you.
#32) He’s quick out the gate in pursuing you, gets your attention, and then goes into a slow motion – Future Faking, and Fast Forwarding
#33) He tells you that he has a lot of issues that he needs to deal with. He wants to change jobs or move cities...Ah Ah! How does that affect the status of your relationship? Shouldn't he be happier? Shouldn't things be easier, that he has your love and your support. Or be bold up...and actually says, ‘I’m not ready for a relationship now’, but is still with you, having sex with you, flirting with you and eating your food. Dammit!! Or He says he wants to get married, but there is no sign of a ring, no sign of a date and years are going by.
#34) He can’t commit to anything, no matter how miniscule. Whether it is a project, business or family gathering. Everything that he’s asked, such as whether he can do something with you is a big drama to get him to say yes or no. And he genuinely struggles with being empathetic. (Heart hard as stone) and in some instances, he has about as much emotion as an ice cube.
#35) He may randomly act as if he has fire in his pants and has to sleep with you right away or very quickly…. and then later blows hot and cold. Or you just don’t hear from him again…until he beeps you up for sex, the next time he’s looking around for some attention.
Can you recognise any of these traits? Feel free to share your thoughts or even add anything I may have skipped in the comment box. I'm curious to hear from you.
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